Oh, how life works.

The ball was in his court. Then it was back in mine. I wasn't sure what would come of this reconciliation, so I was apprehensive in my responses, not wanting to get hurt again. He didn't know what he wanted, and neither did I. Somehow, we eventually agreed on something, something I never would have agreed to before. We were now something less than a relationship but far more than a friendship. I know exactly what everyone is thinking, and yes, I know what I'm doing. I'm allowing this boy back into my life with the power to ruin me. But I have to trust that he won't do that again.

Our first meeting had me coupled with fear and excitement. I've never done something like this with someone I hadn't been in a relationship with. I didn't know what to expect, but I wasn't expecting to feel the way I did. I felt free and wild. Doing something so outside of my norm made me feel like a new woman. He was careful, continuously asking for consent with each new thing he did, and it made me feel safe. I was experiencing life in a new way, exploring the girl I never thought I would be.I threw caution to the wind and tried something scary.

As I write this I can still remember the encounter in vivid detail, but this isn't an erotic novel, just a reflection of this person I am becoming. I will not say that I am proud of what I am doing, but that this is something that happens in college. We experiment with our sexuality and try new things. I know my family is scolding my decision behind my back, or to my face, but this is my life. I am allowing another human to control one small part of my life while I figure out what my plan is. I'm in college, the four years of my life where I do crazy things, go on adventures and make mistakes. Will this encounter happen again? Yes. Am I ashamed of my choices? No.

Allowing myself to not be in a relationship, even though I want to be in one, is my choice. I will find my prince charming, but not today. For now, I will live my life. My prince charming is out there, somewhere. More than likely he is going through a similar phase and we will meet when it is all over. He'll probably be pushing a pull door when he meets me.