It wasn't until I was diagnosed with this label that things really set in for me. I knew that I wasn't feeling right, my body was starting to become foreign to me and I didn't know how to get it back. I would try to explain to people what was going on with me and they would silently nod their heads like they knew exactly what was going on. But I knew, I knew that they didn't really understand the severity of this intangible thing that was going on inside of me. I wished that people could understand just even a little bit what was going on underneath the surface.

I went to doctor appointments after doctors appointments which all left me empty handed. I watched myself get worse and to have no answers was frustrating and tiring all at the same time. Why couldn't the people that are supposed to be able to fix me and have a solution, send me away and just chalk it up as a mystery—well that "mystery" is something I have to live with every day, something that controls every aspect of my life. At that point, my body ached and screamed at me, I didn't know how to help it, no matter how hard I tried. All I could do was continue to research my symptoms and try to piece together the puzzle. I never took no as an answer.

The day that I was diagnosed was almost a relief. I was being told how I could help reduce my symptoms, but at the same time, it was a lot of information to absorb. My days are planned around taking my meds and other precautions to ensure that I can make it through the day. Some days, I physical don't know how I make it out of my bed because it's unbearable. Often times throughout the day, I have to act like there is nothing wrong. I have to fight my body and my symptoms because I don't want to seem weak. I don't want to be weak, but sometimes I really am and I just want to be independent.

I'll have some really good days and I want to make the most of every moment. Because before I know it, I could be a slave to my own bed again. I find myself having to turn down offers to hang out and most of the time I use the excuse that I have homework or I am just not feeling good. But what my friends don't understand is that my body won't make it out the door. It would probably fail me if I tried and that is what makes it that much more difficult for me. They take the phrase not feeling good to mean that I have a headache or my stomach is upset from something I ate (anything along those lines). It is a very emotionally traumatic thought to not get to hang out with your friends or just be a normal person like the rest of the people your age. Getting to go out and get dinner, go to the movies, or going clothes shopping.

Chronic illness is not always visible to most people. Others find it hard to believe that there is really anything going on inside you if you don't show signs of it. I just want to live something close to a "normal" life, without having to constantly fear my illness (that is a good dream). This one goes out to all my spoonies out there, keep fighting with your chin up high. Some people just don't understand what it takes to get through the day, or even to get out of bed.