Little Things You Do When You're Depressed

Little Things You Do When You're Depressed

I need to pace myself, be gentle with myself, remind myself that these feelings will pass.

September is suicide prevention month. Continuing my pursuit of advocating mental health awareness, I decided to share my own experience of battling depression.

Lately, I've been getting hit hard with depression. From personal issues, long weeks of suffering with allergies, lack of sleep, feeling unmotivated, I've been depressed, and I can tell when I'm depressed when I start doing these small, trivial things.

*Note my experience might differ from yours.

Staying Up Late

For somebody that works a lot of overnight shifts, I'm already used to being up late. But it's also bad because it throws my sleep schedule out of whack. I stay up late to wander, listen to music, anything to distract me or indulge my emotions.

Lack of Social Media

I love social media. I'm on Facebook and Instagram constantly, it's awful. I don't post as much, as I'm so tempted to say exactly what's on my mind. What's also difficult is seeing your friends seemingly enjoying themselves and it can make you question why you don't feel that way, even if you think you have it all. At the same time, it's good to get away from social media, as it can be a negative place.

Long Baths/Showers

Baths helps me destress, help me wash away the day. But when I spend more than thirty minutes in the tub, I'm thinking in the blissful emptiness, feeling safe in my soothing, clean kingdom.

Carelessness of Appearance

I love my eyeliner and bold lipsticks. So to see me go days/weeks with no makeup, or even coverup, it's a sign: I'm not going anywhere, I feel ugly, not going to socialize, I'm not taking any selfies. Ugh, I hate it.

Sad Music

This is cliche, but it's so accurate. I have a playlist on my iPod, "Hello Darkness, My Old Friend" when the ole depression hits. From Evanescence to Shinedown, I like my sad playlist heavy and dark. Bonus: I'm screaming the song instead of my usual chorus-trained singing.


For the most part, I eat enough. But when depression and/or anxiety strikes, I either eat too much, mostly out of boredom, or I forget to eat, or can't eat because my anxiety gives me no flavor. For the record, I don't starve myself, I can't physically tolerate the feeling of being unfed.

I know I'll be battling depression the rest of my life, and nobody knows my depression better than I do. I need to remind myself when these behaviors show up, I need to pace myself, be gentle with myself, remind myself that these feelings will pass.

If you're feeling depressed and need to talk to someone, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Available 24 hours:


Cover Image Credit: Pinterest

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To The Person Who Feels Suicidal But Doesn't Want To Die

Suicidal thoughts are not black and white.

Everyone assumes that if you have suicidal thoughts that means you want to die.

From an outside perspective, suicidal thoughts are rarely looked into deeper than the surface level. Either you have suicidal thoughts and you want to die, or you don't have suicidal thoughts and you want to live. What most people don't understand is that people live in between those two statements, I for one am one of them.

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid.

My first recollection of it was when I came home after school one day and got in trouble, and while I was just sitting in the dining room I kept thinking, “I wonder what it would be like to take a knife from the kitchen and just shove it into my stomach." I didn't want to die, or even hurt myself for that matter. But those thoughts haven't stopped since.

I've thought about going into the bathroom and taking every single pill I could find and just drifting to sleep and never waking back up, I've thought about hurting myself to take the pain away, just a few days ago on my way to work I thought about driving my car straight into a tree. But I didn't. Why? Because even though that urge was so strong, I didn't want to die. I still don't, I don't want my life to end.

I don't think I've ever told anyone about these feelings. I don't want others to worry because the first thing anyone thinks when you tell them you have thoughts about hurting or killing yourself is that you're absolutely going to do it and they begin to panic. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to die.

It's a confusing feeling, it's a scary feeling.

When the depression takes over you feel like you aren't in control. It's like you're drowning.

Every bad memory, every single thing that hurt you, every bad thing you've ever done comes back and grabs you by the ankle and drags you back under the water just as you're about the reach the surface. It's suffocating and not being able to do anything about it.

The hardest part is you never know when these thoughts are going to come. Some days you're just so happy and can't believe how good your life is, and the very next day you could be alone in a dark room unable to see because of the tears welling up in your eyes and thinking you'd be better off dead.

You feel alone, you feel like a burden to everyone around you, you feel like the world would be better off without you. I wish it was something I could just turn off but I can't, no matter how hard I try.

These feelings come in waves.

It feels like you're swimming and the sun is shining and you're having a great time until a wave comes and sucks you under into the darkness of the water. No matter how hard you try to reach the surface again a new wave comes and hits you back under again, and again, and again.

And then it just stops.

But you never know when the next wave is going to come. You never know when you're going to be sucked back under.

I always wondered if I was the only one like this.

It didn't make any sense to me, how did I think about suicide so often but not want to die? But I was thinking about it in black and white, I thought I wasn't allowed to have those feelings since I wasn't going to act on them. But then I read articles much like this one and I realized I'm not the only one. Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, and my feelings are valid.

To everyone who feels this way, you aren't alone.

I thought I was for the longest time, I thought I was the only one who felt this way and I didn't understand how I could feel this way. But please, I implore you to talk to someone, anyone, about the way you're feeling, whether it be a family member, significant other, a friend, a therapist.

My biggest mistake all these years was never telling anyone how I feel in fear that they would either brush me off because “who could be suicidal but not want to die?" or panic and try to commit me to a hospital or something. Writing this article has been the greatest feeling of relief I've felt in a long time, talking about it helps. I know it's scary to tell people how you're feeling, but you're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.

Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, your feelings are valid, and there are people here for you. You are not alone.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255

Cover Image Credit: BengaliClicker

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