It’s been a little short of 10 months since I saw my favorite band  live for the last time. Some nights I still wake up thinking it was just  a dream, but then I find the pictures of the guitarist (my favorite  member) hugging me goodbye. I’ll always remember what he whispered in my  ear in those few short minutes: “I really hope this isn’t the last  time.” and “Stop crying, you’re going to make me cry.” along with a few more personal things.

It was rough saying goodbye but nothing compared to how I felt so  broken but yet so full during their final set. I was with some of my  best friends, ones that I had met less than a year ago thanks to this  band. We shared a drink for the last time when they sang the lyrics, “if  you got a drink put it in the air”. I remember falling to the ground  after the last song, watching the lights turn off for the final time  broke something inside of me. It felt almost impossible to catch my  breath. But since it’s been almost a year, let me take you through the  process it took for me to get to where I am today.

The day after—I wasn’t able to listen to anything that reminded me of  them. Even hearing/meeting someone with the same name as them hurt too  much.

One week after—I ignored everything that had to do with them. When my  sister asked me how I was holding up, all I did was say, “I’m fine” and  retreat to my room. Not being able to look at the six tattoos I got  because of this band was a little too much at times. Not once did I  regret getting them but seeing the daily reminders sucked. I couldn’t  run from them like everything else.

One month after—I was able to look at pictures but it hurt. It hurt  like hell. It was probably the first time since January that I could  listen to songs of theirs I hadn’t heard live in over 5 years. The newer  songs were still just too much to handle.

Three months later—No improvement. It took me awhile to get to this  point. I was content with what I was able to listen to but not able or  willing to feel anything deeper.

Seven months later—I was back to listening to all of their songs  again. It seemed like it took forever and a lifetime to get to this far.  I felt like I lost 5 really important family members all at once. I had  to grieve and go through the loss 5 times harder than it would have  been to lose one person. At one point, right around the six month mark, I  went back to not listening to them again. It felt like a roller coaster  full of emotion that was never going to end.

Today, ten months later—I’m about to get on a cruise to the Bahamas  for 5 days, and I made sure I had every single song of theirs downloaded  on my phone again. I’m back to listening to their songs to hype me up. I  can press ‘play’ and dance around my room while I get ready for the  day. Car rides became fun again, hearing the familiarity blasting  through the stereo. It felt like I came home from a really long trip.

Don’t get me wrong—there are those days when I hear a song or two of  theirs and it still breaks me, but it doesn’t happen as often as it used  to. I’m able to press ‘skip’ and move onto the next one. I’m more  thankful than ever for everything they have done for me and the lifelong  friends I have met because of them.