"So, I see we're still taking Vyvanse. You've been taking it since...2010. You were 13. I started you out on 30 milligrams. I increased it to 50 in...2013. You were 16. You're still taking 50 milligrams at 19. Is it still working for you?"
"Yes, it is."
"Do you still feel like you need your Vyvanse?"
"Of course. My attention span hasn't improved much, and my mind still goes 100 miles an hour."
"Ah."
I remember this conversation with my doctor a couple of months ago. I suspect that he was trying to wean me off of my ADD medication. However, it isn't easy to wean someone off of something that they need. No, I don't need it in a drug addict type of way. I need it to help me focus throughout my daily life, or I'll be all over the creation. I won't get anything done. This happened around the time that my grandpa died, and I remember a conversation between my grandmother and I while going through grandpa's things.
"Oh wow. I can't believe he still has his old report cards! This is so cool. They're almost 80 years old."
"Yeah, Ali. Your grandpa was a pack rat."
I carefully opened one of them, cautiously so that the yellowing paper wouldn't tear or disintegrate.
"Straight A student...I always knew that my grandpa was smart. This is where I get it from. I'm smart just like him."
"Yeah, Ali, you are. I wish your dad cared that much about school when he was young."
"Well, he couldn't really help it."
"But you have that thing that your dad has, and you did just fine in school."
I paused in my tracks. I knew that by the word thing that she was referring to the ADD I genetically inherited from my dad. Her tone made it sound like it was a disease, or something one could catch by breathing the person's air. This isn't the first time I've heard a snide comment from her, so I wasn't shocked. The fact of the matter is that it's something I can't just fix about myself. ADD isn't fixed with the snap of a finger, or being told by a teacher to "pay better attention." I've been told by many that ADD is fake and caused by crappy parenting. For a mental disorder that isn't uncommon by any means, it sure is commonly misunderstood. According to the CDC, Attention Deficit Disorder effects 8-10% of the population, approximately 6 million people. It isn't easy to diagnose it in children, because the possible symptoms are sometimes side effects of just kids being kids. It's possible for a child to outgrow it, but it is common to have it into adolescence and adulthood.
People with ADD aren't lazy, stupid, or misbehaved. Many are quite the opposite. They didn't eat too much sugar in their childhood. It wasn't from a vaccination. It isn't a fake disorder either, because if it was, it wouldn't be in the DSM. ADD is genetically inherited, a side effect of a head injury (a childhood friend of mine had a major head injury that almost ended his life, but he survived and developed ADD), or exposure to certain products in the environment (like lead paint). Not everyone who has ADD is hyper, hence why there is a separate diagnosis for ADHD.
We sometimes have trouble expressing our emotions or thoughts. We sometimes forget things, or get side tracked (a lot). Sometimes, we zone out. But, redirecting us in an obnoxious way, like hitting the surface in front of us, is no way to regain our attention of what is going on. We try really hard, but sometimes just cannot focus. When we can focus, we really get in the zone. The mind always races.
We simply cannot help the wiring in our brains.
