I tried so hard to plan my own course, but forgot that God is always in control. I dated who I wanted. I defied my parents and lived life the way I wanted and I had myself utterly convinced that everything was under control. That all came to a crashing halt when I realized I was in over my head and I was close to the point of no return. I was terrified of every move I made and finally understood that I had to break someone else’s heart in order for God to heal mine.

The repercussions that followed my decision will both haunt me and influence me throughout the rest of my life.

It all started with a walk. As simple as it sounds, that walk helped me see a glimpse of God’s plan for me, and how my decisions affect not just me but have long lasting repercussions in the universe. I discussed this revelation with a wise friend, telling him about how I felt that I was not dating the right person and that I had also developed feelings for someone else. I knew that I owed it to the person I was dating to be open and honest with him. My friend consoled me and asked the right questions. He knew the right words to say and showed me tough but spiritual love. After our talk, I realized that for the first time in my life, I knew the voice in my head was God speaking directly to me. I realized then that my relationship with the creator of the universe was truly a one on one, in my face, slow down and let God be God relationship.

The drive to his house was filled with silence. I don’t remember if I prayed… I kept my eyes straight on the road. This once familiar drive would soon become a course that I tried to avoid. I rehearsed in my head exactly what I needed to say. I wanted to be completely transparent with him. He deserved that. As I got closer and closer to his neighborhood, my mind began to spin in circles. My grip on the steering wheel tightened as I made the right turn into his cul-de-sac and prepared for the right words to express to him.

As millennials do, I texted him that I was outside of his house and asked if he would come out to my car. He quickly approached me, asking if anything was wrong. Trying to keep it together, I told him that we needed to talk and immediately the mood changed drastically. He went from concerned to panicked in a matter of seconds. I tried my hardest to explain the situation to him, I really did. He didn’t want to hear the truth, and as many breakups go, it went horribly. I left his house heartbroken and sobbing. I questioned God, wondering why it had to happen. I really felt like the relationship was going well, but in reality that was not the case. But our relationship was officially ended and I prepared myself to carry on. Little did I know that the ending would not quite happen as I thought.

A week after the breakup I had come to terms with my decision. I felt like my path was clear and I thanked God for helping me make the right choice. Unfortunately, my ex did not feel the same way. This is the part of the story where it doesn’t seem like God is around, and things take a turn for the worst.

It all started with a message. No one can find my ex and I am asked if I know anywhere he might be. Quite flabbergasted, I respond with a couple of locations of where I think he would be. Then, another call and this time it’s a police officer asking me where I think he would be and I respond in the same stupor. As my mind races, I hope that what I think is happening isn’t actually happening. Panicked and not sure of what to do next, I do the only thing one can really do in this situation: wait. I can’t remember if I prayed….

Waiting for the phone call that changed my life was something my sheltered life had not prepared me for. Hearing that my ex killed himself was something I was not prepared to handle. Please allow me to emphasize the fact that he did not commit suicide due to our break up. Those who have suicidal thoughts and tendencies have a chemical imbalance in their brain. Their dark sense of hopelessness overshadows the light. Sadly, he did not feel like he could change his situation and took matters into his own hands.

Suicide is the 10^th leading cause of death in the U.S. On average, 117 people commit suicide per day. With the vast majority of them being white men. Men are 3.5 times more likely to commit suicide when compared with women. All of these statistics are thrown at me and it is hard to know how to deal with them. As I think of those who mourn the loss of someone who has committed suicide, I wonder why God allows such events to occur and what could possibly be learned from them.

I try to argue with God. All of my being is trying to rationalize the situation and make sense of it all. After attempting to come up with some sort of answer and failing to come to a valid conclusion, I turn to God. I shake my fists and shout to the heavens. I want to know why this happened and what I could possibly take from this. Then, it hits me. First, God works in mysterious ways. Secondly, He responds in His own time. God is forgiving and full of mercy. He hears our cries and pleas. He knows who we are and where we’ve been and the depths of our hearts, and yet He loves us, just because He loves us. I may not know why things happened the way they did, but I do know that God has a plan and regardless of how it seems right now, His plan is perfect and I will learn something from all of this. I’ve already learned that life is precious. And I am compelled to tell you this: Tell everyone you love that you love them at every opportunity. Value life and live it to the fullest. But most importantly, try looking at this world and all the people in it through the eyes of God. Live for Him and through Him. And always remember that when God brings you to your breaking point, He will put you back together.