I’ve been at college for over a year and a half now, and I still haven’t found a place to cry. Sure, I have alone moments, friends I can go to, safe spaces. But if you aren’t fond of crying in front of other people or if you feel scared to cry for fear that you’ll either a) feel worse or b) never stop, let me just say: I feel you. I’m scared to be alone and cry, but I still never feel alone enough that I feel comfortable doing so.

From around the November before last until that January, I was having an especially hard time. Two deaths within one to two weeks. An assault. Family drama. School stress. Feeling burdensome. Fear and hopelessness and powerlessness. You name it, I was dealing with it. More intense and tough situations arose, and each year had its own set of issues.

I’ve definitely struggled with depression both growing up and in college, last year and this year, and I don’t always trust myself to do what’s in my best interest or what will keep me the safest and healthiest.

When you can’t trust your own self, you have a problem.

I remember talking to friends and therapists, explaining how some situations just can’t be changed, and sometimes neither I nor anyone else can do anything that will make me feel better. I have to sit in the agony and wait for time to pass. I wish that wasn’t the solution, but I’ve had to accept that sometimes, it is.

I remind myself things will get better, and I more or less believe it. I remind myself I’m not a burden and that I’m worth loving, but I struggle. I’m not unique in this -- no one has it easy. It’s difficult for me sometimes to want and to know how to put a positive spin on things, including this article.

But despite the rainy days, the sickness, the hours of crying, the hopelessness, and the shame, I know these things to be true: I know some aspects of my life have greatly improved now that I’m in college. I know that God never leaves me and He hurts when I hurt. I know Romans 8:18, my favorite Bible verse, says “The pain you have been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming.”

I know that despite how needy I feel, my friends haven’t left me. I know that I care about people I hardly know. I know mornings that shone brighter than the nights I left behind, and I know that in a world this big, there’s no way any of us are alone in any experience we feel shameful about. I know this list of things along with others, more or less, apply somehow to all of us.

Lastly, to quote one of my favorite slam poems, Today Means Amen, I want to say this: “You got here. You made it, this whole way, through the nights that swallowed you whole, the mornings that arrived in pieces, the scabs, the gravel, the hurt.” And I am so proud of you.

If you are struggling with similar feelings, know you are not alone and that people want to support you! Don’t be afraid to contact the Suicide Hotline (1-800-273-8255), the Crisis Text Line (741-741) and www.rainn.org. You are worthy of support and love!