The problem with life sometimes is that it continues on even without our permission, or our desire to press forward.
We don't always feel ready to turn the page, or excited to move on.
I don't know where you're coming from as the reader.
But I know for me I can't stop expressing through my words and posts, of all the mistakes I've made. So many of them, that I have been hurt by, and that has truly affected me both physically and mentally.
I'm a deep person. I feel everything and can often be incredibly sensitive.
I could spend hours talking about the importance of sadness, or the meaning of pain.
And spend more of that time recounting all of my failures, and mishaps.
But none of it is because I feel sorry for myself.
None of it is because I'm living in regret or wallowing in my sorrows.
It's because pain and all that has followed, has changed me.
If I could start anywhere, it would be to say that rebellion, pain, love, heartbreak, and mistakes, have all seemed to make me exactly who I am today.
There have been seasons of being a young teenager confused about the world around me. There were questions unanswered and feelings as though no one else could understand.
I acted out not to be bad, but to discover, to unpack and understand. But was often labeled "bad," and "mischievous."
Which is in a way, what I became.
This unacceptance led to more and more rebellion, which revealed a pain deep in my heart that had begun long before the rebellion took place.
Eventually, love was discovered, this beautiful new concept that I threw myself into. The world seemed brighter, and joy was a gift I seemed to be given every day. It was love, and it was exciting. But with that came a pain that was unknown to me at the time, a pain that made me feel as though parts of had been given away, and I would never be able to get them back.
Pain does crazy things to the human heart, sometimes its natural, with responses that are almost expected from us. And other times the pain seems almost unexplainable.
For me despite my melancholy spirit, and hopeless romantic mindset, the pain was still foreign even to me. It was something even the deepest of people wouldn't wish to feel and didn't know how to feel.
Which is what led to mistakes.
Because if there is anything I've learned from life, heartbreak, and pain, it's that it's natural. If we allow it, it shapes us into who we are today, making us stronger, and wiser. But it demands, and it demands us to feel and to address our feelings to the inner courts of our hearts. And it's difficult. It's vulnerable, and often times incredibly overwhelming.
But if you ignore the poundings of our hearts, we'll find yourself alone on the kitchen floor realizing we traded in the truth for a lie, and we now have to live with the monsters inside our own heads.
So, listen, learn, and grow.
This is an introduction to my me, to my heart, and all that follows.
I hope everyone finds the courage to learn from their pasts, and to move on from them.