Dear Ex of my nightmares,
I've moved on immensely, but not in the way that I would have wanted to. I'm still furious with you. Whenever I think about about you, I think about how much time I wasted on someone so brainwashing and manipulative. I'm not the same person because of you. I'm not as free-spirited, not as risk-taking, not as happy go lucky or willing to take chances. Because of you, I play it on the safe side, I am paranoid, I have a more negative and dark outlook when it comes to guys sometimes - I'm practically afraid of everything and I have lost my spark, my sense of lively-hood. I assume the worst of things, and even of people, because of you. I know it's you because I was never always like this, and it wasn't just a coincidence. You were there at the same time, and events occurred at the same time. You changed me and not for the better.
Now, practically three years since we've talked, your mannerisms and voice are still ingrained into my mind. I hardly hear about you from people anymore, but when you are mentioned, I want to run away on the spot or I get really angry inside. You took something away from me.
Your obsession with me was taken as a sign of affection - the way you treated me like a princess, completely won me over, that when I finally woke up two years later, I was over come with anxiety, and fear. So thanks, thanks so much. I'd like to say that I hate you, but that's just too much time and energy and that's not worth it because you've already taken my optimism on humankind away from me. I want to fall in love again - hell, I want to meet people, to date. I want to sit down with a guy and not be afraid of him, and to not assume that he's like you. Someday, I'll be okay again. I'll be able to date freely and I'll learn to tame my irrational thoughts until they dissipate and I'll be in a relationship someday. I won't have this bleak outlook on relationships and dating because of you - it will end. It's not going to now, but I have faith it will because beneath this fear, I have enormous amounts of love to give. Soon, my happiness will be restored to what it once was.
Thinking about you makes me cringe, and I hate to admit that you've impacted my life. Whenever I tell people about you, they feel sorry for me. I know they care, but I don't want to be the woman people feel sympathetic towards. This reminder causes me to become angry at you all over again. I have to tell myself to stop, because you're such a waste of time. When someone gets too close, I back away. When someone says they're interested in me, I assume they just want to hurt me. Do you know how hard it is to truly be a romantic who believes people want to trick you? I want to let my guard down so badly. So here it is. I don't hate you. It's not worth it. But I'm still hurt by you, and how you've trashed my outlook on dating and opening up to someone or getting close to someone I find special. I bet I've lost chances with nice guys because of the past nagging in my mind - pulsating and psyching me out.
Everyone deserves to be in love and feel safe. I deserve to feel safe and someday, I will. The past of you won't control me anymore. I guess the silver lining is that you did one good thing: you made me realize how much love I have to give, and my desire to fall in love is stronger than I perceived.
Julia
