Let me begin by saying that I had to read your letter multiple times before I had convinced myself I wasn’t dreaming. Your letter is so absurd and ridiculous, I had the urge to laugh. If either of my brothers had done what you son did, my father’s letter would consist of anger and hurt that his son would dare disrespect a woman in this way and that he thought he had raised him much better than this. There would be no begging for a shorter sentence and probation so that he can “get back to society in a net positive way.” There would be no comment saying that he showed no violence, even on the night he raped an unconscious young woman. You are almost as despicable as your son because you can’t even acknowledge that your son committed a heinous crime and completely altered the lives of a young woman and her family.

Where were you when your son was in middle school preparing to go on his first date? There should have been a discussion about treating the girl with respect and understanding her boundaries. It should have included that he should open the door for her, pay for her meal, and tell her she looks beautiful. You should have told him that if they go see a movie, he may only put his arm around her or hold her hand if she wants him to. He may only kiss her if she wants him to. You’re his father, and the way you treat your wife, mother, sister, and other women is the way that your son will. He’s going to pick up on your habits and attempt to imitate them. It’s your job as a father to teach him by example from a young age.

Where were you when your son was in high school getting his first girlfriend and getting old enough to have sex? Did you have the conversation about not only the logistics of sex but when it’s okay to attempt to have sex? Both of those conversations are equally as important. It’s not good enough to hand your son a box of condoms and tell him not to get a girl pregnant. You need to explain to your son about consent and that no means no. Not try to convince her or do it anyway. Not pressure her until she gives in just to make him happy. Did you teach him that he’s not entitled to sex or a woman’s attention and affection? Did you make sure he understood when a woman can give consent and that if any party is uncomfortable or under the influence of anything, that nobody should be having sex? Your son shouldn’t be having sex drunk any more than a woman should be having sex drunk.

Where were you when your son moved into college and was going to be on his own? Did you turn a blind eye to the fact that your son will be going out and partying? Or did you tell him to have fun and buy him a pack of beer? It’s your job to ensure that your son is mature enough and ready to be on his own before sending him off. All of your parenting and values you have engrained in your son will be what gets your son through college. Yet, your son thought it was OK to take an visibly drunk girl behind a dumpster and rape her. To me that means you failed. You failed not only as a father but as a son, brother, nephew, and person.

Your letter talks about how much your life and your son’s life has changed because of this. Yet, not once do you mention how your son’s actions have impacted that young woman and the people in her life. Your son acted like an animal and deserves to be put in a cage like an animal. Your son is the reason that girls are afraid to go the bathroom by themselves at a party. Your son is the reason girls use the buddy system when they go out. And you are the reason that girls are afraid to come forward and tell authorities what happened to them.