A Letter To The Girl Who Tends To Overthink

A Letter To The Girl Who Tends To Overthink

I have no business trying to preach that everything will be okay right away.

Dear Michelle,

I guess it is important to start off by saying that this girl is in fact myself. Often times when I tell people I have this issue they are shocked. As someone who is confident overthinking is something that is rare for me but when it comes it hits me hard. Honestly my constant state of deep thought has begun to take a toll on my physical and mental health.

As I lay in bed staring at a ceiling until 3 and 4 in the morning I wonder why I am doing this. Why do I sit and analyze the various conversations that I have? Why do I try my hardest to convince myself that those around me do not actually want to be there? Why is that in the smallest arguments I beat myself up and blame myself for days? Well in all seriousness the answer to all of these questions will surely remain a mystery for me.

It is an essential that people who are having a similar experience to me seek help from their support system. I can not stress enough how important it is to have at least two best friends that you can go to anything for. These people should be individuals that you feel fully comfortable communicating with.

If you have not yet found these people that you are willing to give your full trust to then keep trying. I have found that when I arrived in college with an open mind it helped me tremendously. I guarantee that in the long run you will find friendships that will last long-term and help you.

I know from personal experience that even with these friends that things can be hard. So I have no business trying to preach that everything will be okay right away. However, one thing that I can say is that eventually things will get better. You will experience moments of joy and one day your moment of joy will never end.



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Re-evaluating Your Decisions

It's time to take a step back and reflect on what matters

For a few months, I have been absent from writing on the Odyssey but have finally decided to end my hiatus. This past semester has thrown a lot of curve balls my way and I have changed my mind more than I ever have before. I usually describe myself as a "safety net" type of person. If my life does not have structure, I tend to shut down. Many difficult choices came my way and I had to choose what was worth sacrificing. This forced me to reflect the fact that life is unexpected and sometimes it is okay to take a pause to assess your situation. I felt as though I was loosing who I was as a person. Things that used to make me happy started to stress me out. Yet, time heals all wounds and I surely, but slowly am grounding myself again.

One valuable lesson I have learned during this chaotic journey is to take the days as they come. Of course it helps to plan ahead, but we cannot always be certain that there is a future. Additionally, never take your talents for granted. Even when your self worth is diminished, stay hopeful that the best is yet to come.

When all hell breaks loose, emerge yourself in hobbies you are passionate about and spend time with positive people. All of these things can take your gray days and make them shine brighter. Just repeat to yourself that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes our seemingly small plans fall into a greater scheme. No matter how wonky life gets, even so crazy it feels like a bad joke: Keep. Pushing. Forward. You are not a quitter, you are a fighter. Ultimately, you will learn what true strength is. It resides in each and every one of us, without a doubt.

So thank you to my friends and family that always believed and had faith in both me and my abilities. Thank you to theatre for giving me a stage to break away and be someone else for a change. Thank you to sunsets for allowing me a blank canvas each day. Lastly, thank you Odyssey for giving me an outlet to express my grief and hardships. Without this darkness that occur, I would have never been able to see the brightness all around me. I am getting back on track with my life and am more determined than ever to be superior. Also, I am done holding back and staying quite when I was meant to be bold. I am worth expressing myself and no part of me is worth staying a secret.

"It's being here now that's important. There's no past and there's no future. Time is a very misleading thing. All there is ever, is the now. We can gain experience from the past, but we can't relive it; and we can hope for the future but we don't know if there is one." -George Harrison

Cover Image Credit: Kian Krashesky

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So It Goes.

Therapy, 2018 and my first EMDR experience

So it goes. Here is the first post of the new year and a million and a half ideas come floating to the surface. What do I write about to set this year off on the right foot? Perhaps I should start with the biggest change and improvement I've already initiated in 2018; going to weekly therapy, or maybe I'll discuss the hundreds of short-comings I'm already battling, the intense urge to move, the conflict of finding myself vs being with others, the desire to be more open and loving, the anger I suppress when things become too frustrating. I guess we'll start with square one; therapy.

Therapy, according to Webster, is the treatment, especially of a bodily, mental, or behavioral disorder. Well, I guess I'm in therapy...again. This time hopefully for good. Something tells me I should refrain from releasing my therapist's name or any specific details but I think this should be an open note...about...therapy.

I am moving towards a treatment known as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing or EMDR for short. It is a terrifying but liberating process of having a professional recite a troubling memory to you; stating the event, the feeling you associate with it, where you feel it and how you reacted as you sit with eyes closed but moving left to right. Let's just say I've had my first taste of it during my last session and it was...intense.

I mentioned it in a previous post, the idea of Samskaras, blockages that we hold onto and that can keep us from feeling current energy and emotion in our day-to-day life. It seems that EMDR is the practice of finding and breaking down these Samskaras. It is terrifying. It will leave you exhausted and teary-eyed but it is necessary if you want to live without feeling bound to the past. I found the idea of scanning and evalutating these experiences very interesting and appealing although, I also see them as very intimidating. Regardless of where you are, I can say that it seems the past is not always something you can just "let go" of.

So, I think for my first post I would like to share the memory I chose for my first EMDR experience:

You are in Helen, Georgia celebrating your fourteenth birthday. You are gaining weight from your lowest point of 96 lbs. You don't know why this is happening. You are breaking down. You feel; scared, disgusted, despaired, angry and betrayed. You think; "I can't let this happen, I am out of control, my body hates me." You feel it in your face, thighs, and stomach.

Then the therapist asks, "what is the intensity?"

Under sobs, you answer...."at least a nine."

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