To the first boy who said we were forever,

To start off, I don't think I'll ever forgive you. No, you didn't physically hurt me. And I know that's what you'd tell me if I ever told you that you had abused me. But you did.

You told me what I could and couldn't do. You told me if I changed my hair, you'd break up with me. You made me feel horrible for not being with you. You guilted me into spending every second I wasn't at school or practice or doing homework so I'd be with you. You made me feel bad for spending time with my friends outside of school. You told me that my depression wasn't as serious as yours because I hadn't been shoved into a clinic for a week. You made me feel like I was less than you. And I let you.

But even all of that isn't why I'm still mad at you. You see, I'd gotten over it. I decided to keep you out of my life. You wanted to be friends, but you can't make the effort to talk to me? Fine. Bye. I know what you did to me and having you gone insures that I won't fall back to you. I deleted you. Literally. But then, in my notifications, you came back. And I'm not going to lie, it took me days to decide if I should put you back on my friend list. Not because you could see what I was doing, but because I could see what you were doing. And I should've said no.

You see, that girl you're with? She's your replacement for me. She's everything you told me I couldn't be. Piercings, dyed hair, loves all the thing you "hated". All the childish movies and cartoons I had to hide that I was watching so you wouldn't laugh in my face about them; she loves them. And I bet you don't see it. And that's why I'm still mad. You left me to go bone your ex because she would listen to you and ruin her life for you. And now you're dating a girl like me? You hurt me enough that I've almost ruined the wonderful relationship I have now, and yet you went to a girl like me?

I think I can officially say I hate you. And I don't ever want to be your friend again.

I guess in summary this is the goodbye I kind of always wanted. There was a lot more screaming in my head when I imagined it. But this is good. I feel better writing this and knowing you won't see it, but putting it out there if you ever want to. If you ever care to. So I guess this is it.

Goodbye to my first.