Some days it's still hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that you aren't here with us anymore. Even though I was still rather young when I lost you, it still feels like I've always had you in my life, and some days, it's like you're still here. Despite the fact that I was only in middle school, I still consider you my role model each and every day. I strive for greatness and I strive to make you proud.
I'll never forget the last time I saw you awake and conscious before you passed away, it's an image I'll carry with me always because it wasn't the person I'd grown up with. I hadn't been exposed to your cancer battle until the last couple months. I remember walking to your hospital room with my parents and sister and they were wheeling you out for an MRI. I can't remember what you said, but I remember only seeing you for a minute and hardly recognizing you. I remember your head almost looking deformed from the cancer treatments. I wish there was a better memory there, but I'm glad I have any memories at all.
Just once I wish I could hear what you're thinking as you watch over our family every day. I wonder if you know all my secrets and thoughts, if you agree with my decisions, or if we'd be close like I am with Grandma. There are so many things I wish I could ask and that I wish I could know, like your version of how you and Grandma met, how you proposed, how you made the decision to fight for our country. There's so much I feel like I don't know and I'd love to have the opportunity to ask if I had the chance to before you passed.
I wish I could remember more. There are some memories I still hold vividly in my mind like "horsey rides" before bed or spending the fourth of July in New Jersey, but a lot of things seem to be gone. I wish I could have held onto more memories of growing up next to you because pictures don't seem like enough sometimes. However, that's not to say that you're grin doesn't bring a smile to my face every time I come across a picture of it.
I think most of all, sometimes I just want to know why, why you were taken from us too soon. Milestones like learning to drive, high school graduation, going to college, getting married someday, it seems almost unrealistic that you aren't there or that you won't be there. I wish you were here to watch us all grow into adults and into our own selves.
In general, there are just so many questions I have and so many things I wonder about almost daily. The holidays are a time where so much of our family come together and reminisce and I wish you were there with us. But, the relief of the knowledge that you aren't in pain and sick anymore trumps all.
Thank you for giving me the best family I could ask for and thank you for teaching me the importance of trying my best and pushing for the best. I owe so much of my perseverance and strong-will to you. I hope I make you proud each and every day. And I hope one day I'll make you proud of the woman I've become.