A letter to my late Grandmas.

I hope it’s okay that I am writing you this letter in public. I know you both weren’t big with “airing out our dirty laundry” but I think this can help more people than just me, to connect with their feelings of those they have lost too.

The holidays always make me miss you more but then again, I miss you more everyday. I hope you are healthy and at peace. I hope that you’ve made friends so you aren’t alone for holidays. I hope you are proud of the person that I have become.

When I think back to the days before you left us here on Earth, I remember the little moments that made our bond so strong. The moments I thought would last forever and the conversations I wish never ended. To my Grandma Flo, I miss our Wednesday visits, hearing your slippers scuff across the kitchen floor, sitting in the backyard watching all the birds visit you, and your hugs. To my Gigi, I miss watching Say Yes To The Dress and picking out my dream wedding dress. I miss you telling me you ate all my Chex Mix and you “owing me a bag”, I miss our teatime, and I miss your Mickey Mouse pancakes.

But to be honest, I miss everything about you both. Every minute of my life spent with you, I wish I had on paper.

Losing you was and is the biggest pain I have ever had to endure. It has taught me to love with all that I am, everyday. To try and keep family first as they are supposed to be there for you, always. And as cliché as this may sound, live everyday to it’s fullest. I’ve had some dark days without you. Some days my sadness can turn to anger wishing there was something the doctors could’ve done. I know you would hate that I am thinking that way but I am sure anyone coping with loss thinks about the ‘what ifs’.

I hope you know how much you have impacted the lives of those around you. People raving over how “she changed my life”, “she taught me how to…”, or “without her I wouldn’t of…”. I am always so honored and proud to know that I had such strong, independent, role models in my life (and still do). You helped pave the way for many decisions in my life and all those you have touched. I find solace in knowing that angels are above me watching my every move, guiding me to make my best life.

I read your notes and letters often, as they make me feel closer to you. Knowing that at some point your hand was on the paper as I hold it. I have pictures around my home that remind me you are here and watching. I started talking to myself (sometimes even in public and I even call myself crazy for doing so), hoping you are next to my listening; I try and think of what you would say. I find comfort in time spent with our family, knowing that we are feeling the same pain but also share the same love for you.

When it comes to the holidays, I will try to think of you with a smile and not with just tears. As I decorate my first home for Christmas, I know you both are the angels above my tree. I trust that no matter where my life takes me, you will both be here beside me.

I guess to say it simply, to two of some of the best women in my life, I love you and I miss you.