To My Ex,
Life was really hard after we ended. My whole life felt like it was shattering. You were my longest love, the person who I thought I would marry. I thought I would spend forever with you. That “forever”, turned into about two years. Two years of my life that I dedicated to loving you, loving you more than I loved myself. Those two years spent losing myself for a guy who didn’t do the same for me. Two years of my life that I could have spent figuring out who I am while you were doing that for yourself. I spent that time blaming myself for our fights, blaming myself for not being good enough for you, blaming myself for wanting to go out and wanting to have a life outside of dinner at home and foreplay in your bedroom. I blamed myself for being the reason you were unhappy, and I blamed myself for our unhappy relationship.
Being with you, I thought I didn’t deserve happiness. I thought I didn’t deserve being with someone who would do anything to make me happy because I thought the only happiness that mattered was yours. If I knew then what I know now, I would have done it differently. I would have loved myself more than loving to make you happy. I would have been more comfortable with myself to not feel so uncomfortable with you around other girls. If I knew then what I know now, I would have realized that my anxiety IS important and NOT something to just brush off. If I knew then what I know now, I would have known that you shouldn’t tell me I should be “grateful” for what you do for me, that it is something that is supposed to come naturally. If I knew then what I know now, I would have known that I matter too. A relationship is two people, not just one trying to make the other happy.
You put me in a constant battle of comfortability. I was constantly fighting with the want to be comfortable and the need to be happy. Even though it took me a while to realize what I needed, I want to thank you. I want to thank you for showing me what I need and deserve in a relationship. I want someone to take my happiness into consideration. I want someone to make me feel comfortable enough with myself. I want someone to love me endlessly and take care of me when I need it most. I want someone to want to do things for me, instead of feeling like it is a chore.
Thank you for setting me free into a world that I never knew existed. A world where I know how to love myself and know my worth. Thank you for showing me what I want in a relationship.
Sincerely,
The Girl You Let Go.