To My Dearest Dog, Myrtle,
I realize that communicating with you in the form of a letter is absolutely ludicrous. As far as I know, you do not speak English, nor do you own a tablet, smart phone or computer. But, for the time being, I am just going to pretend that you do.
I assume that you have noticed my absence for the past week and a half (and if you haven't, we are going to have a talk later). Do not fear, I did not magically disappear into thin air, and I was most certainly not abducted by an army of cats. I have gone to a crazy place known as college.
Myrtle, you would absolutely love college. If you went to college, you could spend your days obnoxiously running in circles (I know how much you love to do that) on one of the many spacious lawns. If you ever got too hot from all of the exercise that entails, the Hudson river is just a paw's length away! I also know how much you love to terrorize the neighborhood squirrels. At college you would never get bored of that game. There are about a million squirrels, groundhogs and birds for you to torment at your will. What a sweetheart you are. You would also get all of the attention you ever wanted. I know that sounds impossible because, let's face it, you are an absolute princess but, it's true! There are over 6,000 kids who miss their pets almost as much as I miss you. That means all of the belly rubs and behind the ear scratches you could ever dream of. These kids also come with token college kid Frisbees, footballs and lawn games for you to play with or tear to shreds. Your choice!
I guess what I am trying to say is move into college with me! I miss you too much when I'm at school to just leave you at home. My bed feels empty without you furry mess laying around, a pillow definitely cannot take your place and all of my afternoon walks and runs feel so lonely without you leading the way! If you came to college with me, it would benefit us both and, quite frankly, you would be missing out on all of the wonders of college if you decided not to come. We would have to work out some ground rules. To start, no pooping or peeing on my rug. We could negotiate the barking but, definitely not at 2:30 a.m. I'm sure we will be able to figure something out. As for my RA and the strict no pets policy, how could they say no to your cute little face?
Miss you. See you soon,
Ashley
P.S. Please look into a English-to-dog translator because this is a serious offer, and I am anxiously awaiting your response.