Hey...
I know this is probably the last thing you want to hear right now, but life gets better. I know things are difficult right now and you're lacking the motivation to keep going. But I want you to do something. Get up off the floor, unlock your door, drop your knife and wipe the tears from your eyes.
I know how difficult it is right now for yo . You have a million things running through your head and it feels like no one understands it. I know you just want the pain to go away...but I can tell you that the pain will make you a better person. I know how much it kills you when people come to you and tell you they can't do it anymore, and they have no idea that you're in the same exact boat. But do what you know you have to. Be there for them. Listen to them. The same way you wish someone would listen to you... believe me, you will get your shot to get everything off your chest.
The next few years won't be easy...and I know how scary that might sound right now. You will slip up and you will fall just as far as you have before. The difference is, you will know how to get back up. You will have more strength then you did before. I won't lie to you, you will still have those thoughts in the back of your mind... that you're not good enough, that you're too broken to be fixed. It's all lies.
You're a junior in high school... wait until senior year. You will get closer to your best friend from grade school. You will have friends in Criminal Justice who will become your family. Youll take the first srep to becoming what youve always wanted. And in college, you'll have some of the best memories ever. You will smile and laugh more than you ever have in your life. You will fall in love. You will get your heart broken. You will move on.
You'll go through hell and back and learn that you have come nowhere near your limitations. You will push your body to do things you never thought possible. You will climb the "stairway to heaven" and be scared out of your freaking mind but you'll conquer it. You'll miss your family more than you ever thought you would, but it makes the visits back home just as great.
You'll get closer to your mom, you'll fix things with your dad and you'll get closer to your brothers. You'll make friends in a few years who, not only would you give your life for them, but they'll give their life for you. You'll learn more skills than most people do in a lifetime. You'll grow up before you're even 20 years old. Yes, you will make it to 20.
Right now you have this tunnel vision. You're only focused on the bad in life and believe me I get it, you're a pessimist. It's not easy for you to look on the bright side of much of anything. But just keep pushing. Love yourself now because that's all you're really gonna have in the end.
Abbs, life gets so much better. Don't let the darkness consume you. Don't give into temptations. Keep pushing. Keep living. Live your life like you're not promised tomorrow. Love the people in your life while you have them...
It's not easy for me to say, but I love you. I am proud of how far you've come and all you've done so far. You will go so much farther in life. You just have to keep looking up. Keep your eyes on the stars. Give it time, someone you love will tell you that and you'll never forget it.
Hang in there.
Abby