I wouldn't change what has happened in my life for anything. However, I definitely would remind myself to see the good that comes from every trial I've been through. I would also want to tell my future self not to forget who she was, and to love the person she's become.
If I could send my past and future self a letter, this is what I would write:
Dear Eighteen-year-old Erin,
Just so you know, this is both one of the best and worst years of your life. Yay!
You will finally begin to appreciate your mother (and also feel really, really bad when you realize how much you didn't appreciate her the first seventeen years of your life) when you are forced to consider what life would be like without her. You spend hours waiting to hear whether that lump is cancer or not. (It isn't cancer, but it very well could have become it someday.)
Just a month after you blow out your birthday candles, you go to see your family in Pennsylvania, not realizing it'll be the last time you see your uncle alive and healthy.
You undergo major jaw surgery just two weeks before your dad rushes to Pittsburgh for a week spent by Uncle Bill's bedside. They remove life support, and your dad is the one to make the decision.
Be kind to your father. I wish I could swoop in and tell you what anguish he is going through. You will not fully understand until years later.
Your scoliosis worsens significantly this year. Persevere through that pain, as it will give you far deeper empathy for the chronically ill. Think of how good it will feel to breathe from both lungs. Don't forget to thank your parents during the recovery process post-surgery.
Finally, your eighteenth year is also the year you find out you're moving. Just before you turn nineteen, your dad blurts out, "How do you feel about Chicago?" That simple question will change every aspect of your life.
Embrace this change, because your next stage of life will transform you in ways you never thought possible. You'll discover leadership skills, forge deep friendships, and become solidly rooted in Christ.
Love, 23-Year-Old Erin
Dear Future Erin,
You're thirty years old now. Which is weird, because I'm writing this as the self from eight years ago. Currently, it's my last year of college and I want nothing more than to get married and have babies and make cool graphic design stuff. But I have things to do before that can happen, like graduating and getting a job and a boyfriend.
By this time in your life, you'll hopefully have work experience. I hope you don't forget the effort and low-level jobs you've taken to get to where you are. Remember the days of doing projects in exchange for gift cards or a free meal, and extend kindness to people you lead, if you somehow become a design manager somewhere.
If you are married, remember the blessing that it is. You longed desperately for love when you were in college, and it was so, so hard to watch seemingly everyone getting engaged and married. Remember how you prayed daily for a godly, kind, solid man that loved you just the way you were. If you are married, I trust that you have bound your life to someone who loves the Lord even more than he loves you.
If you have children, remember your fears in college. Your fears of infertility, your memories of how it took your mother six years to have Ben and another three to have you. Remember your prayers, late at night, your journals pouring out your heart to God, desperately hoping that your parts work the way they should and that this pain is hopefully normal.
Remember the pills you had to take and the appointments you went to. Remember your heart breaking as you see cute, chubby babies everywhere you look and the terror that you may never hold one of your own babies. If you have children, hold them close and cherish them. Thank God for every single little eyelash and tiny freckle, because they are a miracle. Life is a miracle.
If you are indeed unable to have children, do not hate yourself or your husband. Use the love you have in your heart to love your brother's children. Look into adoption and becoming a foster parent. It may take time, but your heartbreak over infertility will ease, hopefully. Do not resent your friends and your sister-in-law as they so easily become pregnant, and have boatloads of tiny feet scampering around their houses. Maybe you and your husband will use your childlessness as an opportunity to welcome people into your home, and a way to lavish love upon the unloved. Remember to find the good in every event in your life.
And finally, love the woman that you have become. You've graduated from college, you've found work, and maybe you've even married the love of your life. It was not an easy path to get here. Do not forget the struggles of your past that brought you to the blessings of the future. Do not forget God, and do not forget His love.
Love, 23-Year-Old Erin
Now that you've read my letters, consider what you want to say to your past and future self. Maybe you'll discover new dreams and hopes!