A letter to a loved one that I lost,
Out of all the articles or journaling, I have done, this is by far the hardest. Not because of the fact that each word makes me feel lonelier, realizing I may miss you more than I am aware of, not because this is the anniversary of one of the worst days of my life, but because there’s so much that I want to tell you that I have no idea how to formulate or prioritize what it is that I want to say.
You taught me to be strong and have faith and because of those two things alone, I am still standing. I know you hear me on my worst days when I fall to my knees, hands clenched together tightly, looking for guidance, a sign, a light at the end of what seems to be an endless tunnel, but I’m sorry to say that sometimes that isn’t enough. Sometimes I need to feel your arms around me, the safest place in the world. Sometimes I need to hear your laugh, reminding me how appreciated I am, how valuable my company is. I even long to smell your scent that I so often washed away, never realizing how desperately I would eventually want to smell it, just one more time.
When you got sick, I came to realize you weren’t as invincible as I had always painted you to be, but in all honesty, I never thought you would go, never thought you would leave me. You were such a huge part of my life that selfishly, I wanted to believe that you just couldn’t go. If it meant a cure, a miracle, I thought you would surely be saved. I never believed in God before you got sick and yet I found myself praying when no one was around, searching for that miracle so you could stay with me, and never leave, but you were so sick. There comes a time when science and faith simply cannot go hand and hand. Cancer was throughout your entire body, biologically one simply cannot bounce back or even survive that. I wanted to believe that this couldn’t be your reality. A God everyone prays to, worships, wouldn’t let you leave me and for a long time I was so angry that he did, but years later I know this wasn’t the case at all. You were being called home, not taken away from me.
My heart breaks to this day, time simply cannot diminish the sadness I feel towards losing you, but I know you are home, I know you are happy and for that, I’m at peace. Selfishly, I want you to myself, there as I walk across the stage at my college graduation, at my wedding, to meet my kids someday, but that’s wasn’t the plan for you and I’m learning to be okay with that. I know we will meet again, but until then, keep listening to my prayers and doing what you do best; protecting me and those around me. Love you more than words could ever describe.
Love Always,
Your “Little Girl”
