Dear person,

First off, I am so deeply sorry for the loss of a loved one in your life. I know, from experience, that no words will change what has happened, but I do hope these words give you some comfort in knowing that someone out there is going through, to an extent, the same things as you.

I understand all of the guilt you are feeling. Even though it feels like it is your fault, and your loved one might still be around if you had done something differently, it is NOT your fault. As hard as it is to hear something like this, the one or two things that you could have done would not have saved him or her.

I am sorry for the little every-day things that pop up here and there - the things that used to remind you of happy memories of him - but instead only bring you overwhelming sadness. I’m sorry that you can hear or see one little thing and immediately burst into tears.

I’m sorry for the uncomfortable silences and responses that you receive when someone asks you what happened, and you respond with “he killed himself.” Or, “She ended her life.” “He committed suicide.” People aren’t trying to be rude, they just don’t know how to respond. I’m sorry that you’re stuck feeling like you have to say something to lighten the mood. I’m sorry for the times that you want to talk about it, but nobody asks you if you’re okay, and i’m sorry for the times you don’t feel like talking about it, and people won't leave you alone. I’m sorry that people don’t understand.

I’m really sorry for that rude, inconsiderate person who asks you, “But, I mean, how did they do it?” When you tell them your loved one ended his life. That person doesn’t care about your feelings - they are just engrossed in another TV show, or murder-mystery book. They have forgotten that this isn’t for their entertainment. They have forgotten this is someone you knew and loved, and they have forgotten that this is something you, your family, and your close friends have been struggling to deal with.

I am so, so sorry for the suicide jokes. I am sorry that I once said them and found them funny. I’m sorry that “If I get anymore homework I’m going to jump in front of a bus,” makes your heart sink into your chest, and instead of thinking of your schoolwork, you’re now thinking of your loved one who killed himself. I’m sorry for when you feel like you should say something and don’t, and for when you do say something and the room gets uncomfortable. I’m sorry you’re frustrated with your friends who unintentionally hurt your feelings; i’m sorry that they probably didn’t even realize what they did. And I’m sorry that if they did realize it, they probably didn’t apologize.

I understand the anger that you feel. Whether it is towards the person you loved who ended his life, God, or the world in general, I understand. You have a right to be angry. You can say that it was selfish of the person to do what they did. Unquestionably, suicide is a selfish act. It does not mean that the person, as a whole, was selfish. It just so happens that the last thing that he did was selfish. But, that doesn’t have to outweigh all of the good, selfless things he has done; one act doesn’t have to outweigh the selfless person he was.

I understand if you feel embarrassed by what your loved one did, and I get it if you feel guilty for feeling embarrassed.

I feel your pain and emptiness at family functions, or friend gatherings, where the absence of your loved one is so evident. With that said, I’m sorry that you have had to see your family and friends in so much pain. I am so, so sorry for the fact that you have had to try to explain to your younger siblings, cousins, or friends, why your loved one did what they did. I understand the stress that this has put on your family. I understand all of the times family members and friends have snapped at you because they’ve been dealing with different things than you, and because they process their grief differently. I know how bad you feel asking your family questions, because last time you asked them something about the suicide of your loved one, they started crying.

I’m sorry that you have so many unanswered questions.

Lastly, I am sorry that his death left you questioning whether or not he loved you. Or, whether or not you meant anything to him. Or, whether or not he was even thinking of you. I’m sorry that his suicide makes you wonder if you are an awful friend or family member for not noticing anything was wrong - for making you wonder how well you really knew that person.

Suicide is an awful, ugly thing that hurts everyone involved with it, and people handle their hurt differently. My faith in God is getting me through this tough time, and it is my faith in God that has reminded me that everyone needs forgiveness, including your loved one and my loved one who took their own lives. It is a goal of mine to reach a point in this adversity where I can truthfully say that I have forgiven that person who left me, my family, and his friends, because, only then will I feel I have some peace. It is my hope and prayer that you will reach that point, too.

Sincerely,

Someone who, to an extent, understands.