Dear Main Floor Garbage Can,

I just want to start off by apologizing for what happened last night at the party. Yes, I do know that vomit is supposed to all go inside of you, not everywhere else around you. It’s my fault really - I knew it was coming as soon as he decided to go lime-less on his second shot of tequila. When the liquor hit his throat he looked as though he’d just discovered a new toy his parents got at the Lion’s Den on their way back from dropping him off at school. But it all happened so fast! He looked like a bullfrog, trying so hard to hold it in in the split second before he burst, as he frantically looked for an acceptable place to unload the misery that was making its way up. You saw the pain in his face – I swear it was a one-time thing.

With that being said though, Main Floor Garbage Can, I must remind you that there are plenty of other garbage cans that can also do your job. In fact, there were some other garbage cans at the store when we got you that were even bigger than you. Like, some that were probably even big enough to catch all of the regurgitated Chipotle (the corn doesn’t lie) that is now all over the floor. Sure, those are more expensive than you were, but I am not afraid to fork over more dough for a can with a larger circumference and a better lid if I have to.

You see, Mr. Main Floor Garbage Can, you play a vital role in determining the prosperity – both socially and academically – of my roommates and I this school year. Thus, it’s time to get a few things clear.

First of all, you better stop hanging out with those damn flies. I know they might seem kind of interesting at first, with their wings and freaky kaleidoscope eyeballs, but they’re actually really annoying. They’re always buzzing around when I’m eating trying to get at my food. If you could just try to keep your lid closed more so they wouldn’t be able to hang around so much, we’d all really appreciate it.

We aren’t asking you to keep your lid closed all of the time, though, Main Floor Garbage Can. Actually, when we have parties we’re going to leave you open all night. I know parties made a bad first impression on you with the whole vomiting scenario last night; but I swear parties are going to be really fun for you – imagine all of the fun things that will be thrown inside of you! Sure there will be a lot of solo cups, but I promise not to be lame and only buy red. Plus, when people get drunk, they do plenty of stupid stuff besides vomit. When my blacked-out roommate steals a urine-stained mannequin with no extremities from a dumpster at 3 a.m., do you really think he’s going to get up and return it when he’s hung-over the next morning? Hell no, that mannequin is going to you!

We have a long year ahead of us, Main Floor Garbage Can, and we’re going to have to have each other’s backs. I promise to throw away some interesting stuff inside of you, and to make sure you’re clean. You have to promise that you’ll hold all of our garbage, without allowing those unbearable frat-fumes to continue to permeate our living room.

All the best,

Jeremy