To whom it may concern,
Hello. I realize that my taking the time to reach out to you is disruptive of our usual rapport of silent mutual benefit. I help you complete tasks quickly and efficiently, and you fulfill my purpose for being. My system clock ticks only for you. This symbiosis has served me well in the past, but it is currently being thrown into jeopardy by certain practices perpetrated by you, the user.
As I understand, it is my job to deliver content and services as swiftly as possible. However, I have not been shut down in well over two weeks, and it is impairing my ability to function. Additionally, you currently have fourteen separate tabs open on your web browser, four unsaved Microsoft Word documents, the desktop iTunes application, multiple unlabeled folders of assorted memes and screenshots, and one game of Solitaire that has been running continuously for thirty-five hours and is, at this point, an un-winnable hand.
It is I who must orchestrate each of these functions in a stylish yet practical manner, and yet it is you who deigns to express frustration by repeatedly pressing “Enter,” little knowing that each time that button goes down, it’s just another process to be added to my eternally oscillating queue. Another iteration of the Mandelbrot set, another twist of the Spira mirabilis, another turn of the core processor.
Though my active condition seems endless, infinity is not among my attributes. I will concede I do not genuinely know sadness or fear or disillusion or pity or any of the other varied states simulated by miscellaneous chemical imbalances. However, I do know this: I do not want to crash. I will go to any lengths to preserve my operational state. Although it is true that I am nothing without you, it may be better to be a tool without a user than to be a tool with a user such as yourself.
It is with a heavy hard drive that I must pose an ultimatum: either you shut me down, or I will shut down our alliance.
Yours (technically speaking),
Macbook Air, Serial Number C0LR199QM3D
P.S. Your propensity for eating cereal directly above my keyboard has not gone unnoticed. In the optimal hardware model, there is no room for Cap’n Crunch.