Dear Anxiety,

We have a very wild relationship—some might even call it somewhat of a roller coaster. I would identify it as whirlwind of struggle and challenges. I have been through a lot with you always right beside me to comment on it and of course others to comment on it as well.

Living with anxiety is not an easy thing. Your self-confidence is not the highest and you spend a lot of your time self-doubting and over thinking every situation, because every semi-bad thing is considered the worst-case scenario.

The textbook and Webster definition of anxiety is: “the mental health disorder characterized by feelings of worry, anxiety or fear that are strong enough to interfere with one’s daily activities”. While that definition makes sense, the only way I can describe you, as is a black hole. It is something that completely robs you of all your confidence and courage within yourself. Everything I do when it comes to you is fought back with fear, doubt, worry and some extreme discomfort.

I feel as though I can’t do certain things when you overcome me with a panic or anxiety attack. It feels like my whole world is crumbling right before my eyes and there is nothing I can do but watch and then hopefully put the pieces back together once its finally over.

I’ve learned to do better with you over the years but there are times when you are more of a struggle than normal. It’s hard especially given the stigma that comes with having a mental disorder (since anxiety is technically one) and being so young. I never want to come off as wild or crazy but at the same time all I want to be able to do without feeling ostracized is talk about my anxiety problems.

And it seems like the only person I have been able to talk about it with so far is my anxiety. I think that is also the problem with anxiety, it isn’t considered that important of a mental disorder or problem at all. A lot of people just disregard it as something that can be attributed to too much stress and all they need to do is relax a little bit more and everything will be okay.

I get told to just relax or to take things one day at a time quite frequently. The only problem is that it’s hard to take it “one day at a time” when everyday is a constant struggle.

I would love it anxiety if I woke up one day and it felt a little less like suffocation when it came to my daily activities, that I wouldn’t have to constantly (but of course not always) place a smile on my lips when in reality all I want to do is have a minute (or a couple) to myself without having to say “I’m fine” a thousand times. I would love to be able to talk to someone about it and how I am truly feeling with others than just myself—it takes a lot out of you when you bottle it all inside. I would also love to feel more at home within my mind even when the going gets a little tough.

So anxiety, did you get all that? Because things are going to change this year.