Recently, there was a gentleman in my life whom I was romantically involved with. Although I like to paint myself as this "f*ck n*ggas," "I hate men" type of woman, it really isn’t true and when I’m beginning to develop feelings for someone I am quite the opposite. So, when I began to develop feelings for him, my trust issues lead me to do some Code Name 007 digging on his Facebook. Lo and behold I found something.
Dude was engaged all along.
After I went through the confrontation — the yelling, the blocking, the deleting of everything, the outburst to my friends, the sadness and the anger (this all happened within an 8 hour time span) — I was overcome with a feeling of pity. Not for me, but for his fiancée. For the five months that they’ve been engaged, this man has continued his two-year pursuit for me. No one deserves that. This whole ordeal lead me to do a lot of thinking about “side chicks” and our current culture of dating.
As you all may know, I am pro-women (not anti-men) and I have no problem telling men when they’re doing wrong. However, this article is targeted towards women. I do not want to make it seem as though men are completely innocent and powerless when it comes to infidelity, but I really don’t feel like talking to them. For a month or so, I was unknowingly the side chick and I want to try to get through to the side chicks.
We honestly need to do better. Men have been socialized to think all women are meant for their consumption and that they deserve access to our bodies. They have been conditioned to think aggressive hyper-sexuality is an acceptable component of their personalities and lives and that they have the right to express that whenever, however. That is one reason why a man who is in a committed relationship might pursue another women — because they feel they have the right to have as many women as they want, regardless of anyone else’s feelings. That’s not OK. Do not allow yourself to be a pawn. Don’t allow yourself to be a sexual tool. Don’t allow yourself to get played. You are more than p*ssy. If he does not want to make you a girlfriend or a wife, and just wants you as a side piece...don’t cheapen yourself, you deserve better.
Often times, we feel that we don’t need to care about the feelings of others because they are not close to us. Let's be real. Loyalty is complicated and not everyone deserves it. But, on the flipside, we need to be moral in our actions. Many of us have dealt with heartbreak and rejection. Why would you intentionally play a part in someone else’s heartbreak? Just because you don’t know her, just because you’ve never met her, just because she’s not your friend or family doesn’t mean her feelings don’t matter. Love hurts and karma is real. I did not know dude’s fiancée but I know heartbreak — no one deserves it. I refuse to intentionally play a part in someone else’s heartbreak.
I am honestly soooooo tired of seeing women fighting over men. A good man would never put his partner in a position where she feels she needs to fight for him. He would nip any threat to his relationship in the bud as soon as it presents itself because he does not want to jeopardize it. Simple. Straight like that. Relationships, however, are tricky. Someone can find themselves in a situation where they’re in a relationship and genuinely fall hard for someone else. If that is the case, don’t play the role of the sidechick. Have that conversation. Let him know what you want, he needs to let you know what he is going to do and if making you his legitimate partner isn’t the case, sis, you deserve better. I don’t know about everyone else, but I rather my boyfriend tell me he fell for someone sooner in lieu of finding out he has been cheating on me. Ignorance isn’t bliss. Feelings change, betrayal is worst.
Please, don’t try to justify it either. Yes, relationships are complicated and it's not black and white — but somethings are just not okay. The truth might be hard but that doesn’t mean you don’t live an honest life. Just because he’s having problems with his partner — doesn’t mean it's okay to cheat. Just because his partner is miles away- doesn’t mean it's okay to cheat. The dude I mentioned, his fiancée was in Mali. He hadn’t seen her in two years. So what? Relationships are hard but when you make a commitment to someone you honor it. Don’t be brainwashed into thinking just because you’ll never see her that it's okay to fuck her man or be romantically involved with him. Own up to your power and don’t use it for that.
Honestly, why would you want to be with a cheater anyways? The way you meet them is the way they will leave you. If he can cheat with you on his girlfriend, what makes you think he won’t cheat on you? Also, I have witnessed that many people pursue individuals who are in a relationship because of the way their relationship dynamic seems. Yes, he treats his girlfriend right — and so? That’s not for you to interrupt or try to steal. He makes you feel special — and so? Stop looking for guys to fix you. You deserve better. Regardless of the momentary happiness, you deserve better. Don’t settle to be someone’s hidden booty call.
Finding out I was the side chick was hard but it was unacceptable. As soon as I found out about it, I shut it down. I will not play a part in someone’s heartbreak. I will not play a part in someone’s infidelity. I will not play a part in this toxic cycle of dating. I will not settle for less than I deserve. Yes , it hurt. Yes I yelled at myself. And yes, I miss him. But he's not mine to miss.He never was. Even if his engagement doesn’t last - I can not be with a liar and a cheater. I deserve better.
To dude’s fiance - I am sorry I made out with your fiance, went on dates with him, facetimed him every day and called him all types of bae’s and sweeties.. It won’t happen again.