Let's be honest: long-distance relationships are hard and usually met with the sarcastic phrase "good luck." But, in today's world with technology and travel so readily available, long-distance isn't considered the impossible anymore. But, it's still a mystery as to how it actually all goes down between the couples that decide to venture into this. So, I talked to two people that are currently in long-distance relationships about the good, the bad, and the distance.
Couple A: Reid and Toni have been dating for a year and have been long distance for 5 months. Reid currently lives in Florida and Toni lives in Spain.
Couple B: Nicolette and Connor have been dating for 4 months and have been long distance for a month and a half. Nicolette lives in Florida and Connor lives in England.
On the Background
Q: When did you two decide you wanted to do long-distance? Why?
A: I was traveling to Andalusia and we were texting, talking about the future. And [Toni] said “Hey, I know you probably want to start dating people when I leave for Argentina, but could we still be friends?” I told him “Of course we’re going to still date. I don’t want to be with other people.” And that’s when we just knew that we were going to do long-distance.
B: It sounds kinda stupid, but we decided before we even decided to date. I only had three months left in London [where Connor lives]. There’s no point to date for three months. Like, if we’re doing it, we’re doing it for the long haul and giving it a shot.
On Communication
Q: What type of communication do you feel works best for you and your significant other?
A: We always text everyday, but it’s not enough. FaceTime is obviously a must. Like yes to texting, but you need more than just that.
B: Texting. We try to have a phone call every week at least. FaceTime if we have internet.
Q: Do you think that the type of communication a couple uses reflects a different type of relationship?
A: Personally, I need a lot. I’m so needy (laughs). So, I need that FaceTime to reinsure that he’s still into it, so I can see his facial expressions. If you text something, it could be read multiple ways. So I need that FaceTime to get context. It’s nice to know he’s still there.
B: When I tried to FaceTime everyday, I became very dependent on Connor, like I needed to see him everyday and get his full attention. So it doesn’t work for me, because then I become so focused on how important this is, it becomes an expectation. It’s easier for us to text everyday and snapchat everyday to see each other’s faces, because I totally agree—that’s so important. For more important things, FaceTime and phone calls, of course.
Q: How long did it take you guys to figure out the groove in how you communicate and what works best?
A: The first day. It was just always the norm.
On Dependency
Q: So, there’s this complex, it seems, that there’s the one that’s more independent and the one that’s more dependent. Do you think that’s amplified a bit more with distance?
A: For sure. You know, I can’t seem him so I’m wondering what he’s thinking obviously. I’m definitely needy, but I don’t want to act needy, you know?
B: Everybody copes with it differently. I do get myself worked up over stupid things, and it kinda makes me clingy towards Connor. It’s not that he’s totally independent, he just handles things differently. It’s kind of just learning how the other copes with things and finding a nice balance between it. Everybody in a LDR struggles with finding balance between paying attention to them and paying attention to yourself.
Q: Did you find those roles amplified, reversed, or the same when you physically became long-distance?
A: I wasn’t needy until we became long-distance. Because I got to see him everyday and know what he’s thinking.
B: When I first started dating Connor, I thought he would be so dependent on me, which was more or less true at first. For the most part, I was the more independent one. I think being in a LDR makes me more emotionally insecure. It’s not that I don’t trust him, just the physical distance creates an emotional distance. You can’t just go up to them and hug them. For those intimate moments, it needs to be spoken now. If you’re not a couple that’s very talkative, it can be difficult. When you are physically with someone, you can get caught up in it and become very dependent on that person, that feeling, and that safety. But when you do a LDR, you lose a lot of that. So it really boils down to if you have a connection with that person and if you want to make it work, if there’s really something there or not. You don’t get many of the benefits that many people do being in a relationship. You’re in it because you see a future with them.
On Pressure
Q: Yeah, I was about to ask, do you think being in a LDR puts a certain type of pressure on it, especially because we’re all around college age?
A: I mean, I could never see my life without Toni in it, as a friend or as a boyfriend. Preferably, as a boyfriend. My life started when I studied abroad and when I met Toni.
B: For me, it’s very similar. I never felt I fit in back at home, so when I moved to London, I felt a sense of belonging that I never had in my life. So, it wasn’t just Connor. It was a big part of having my first real relationship. It’s also the sense of having a community in London. So, when I did lose that [when I moved back to the states], it was traumatizing (laughs). For us, we don’t try to put pressure on it because we have to keep in mind, yeah we’re only 19 and 21. So, we still have a very long time to think about really serious things. When we first started dating, we talked about long-distance, and I was like “We’ll try it.” If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. I didn’t want to put an expectation on it. But once you start doing it, you can’t help but make it kinda do-or-die. Like, if we made it this far, why can’t I just wait till I see you in two months? When you see them, you kinda have that moment of “oh yeah, this is why I’m doing it.” So yes and no.
A: yeah, but don’t let the three months [without them] suck, because it is your life. You can’t wish your life away. If the three months are really that bad compared to being with him for a week, then it’s not worth it. You can’t let it dictate your life though.
B: it’s all about finding that healthy relationship. I think, even though I’m new to this, no matter how long you’re together, you’re still learning and trying to figure out how it works.
On Arguments
Q: When you guys are fighting or in a rough patch, what do you do to keep from making it any worse? How do you fix it?
A: Well, Toni and I have never gotten into a fight that’s lasted more than like a hour and a half. There’s days that we’re off, but it’s not like we’re fighting. It happens to everybody. It’ll only be on text when we fight, then like an hour later we’ll call each other and realize it was stupid and petty.
B: I think it’s stupid that there’s an implication that you’re not gonna fight, because every couple fights. I think it’s a misconception that if you love someone, you don’t argue with them. Connor was always very non-confrontational, ‘doesn’t get into fights’ kind of person. When we got into our first serious fight, he was like “I don’t know what happened. I never fight with people. I don’t know why I got so angry and defensive” and I’m thinking that that’s good though, like it means you're fighting for something, it means you want me to understand where you’re coming from. You care what I think. It’s not fun arguing, but it’s healthy. It’s good to have an opinion and stick to it.
Q: On terms of jealousy, how’s the best way to deal with it?
A: For me, the only time I’m ever jealous is when I look back and see who he used to talk to because I’m so curious about that. But, I trust him like no one else and know he would never do anything. It’s maybe because we’re both guys and both attracted to the same type of person.
B: Be honest. That’s just my rule of thumb. Personally, I tell my boyfriend everything. It’s not a jealous thing that I’m going to tell my boyfriend certain things so he gets jealous. We’ve always had that relationship where we honest. I’ve never had that cheating concern with him. I’m insecure more in myself than with him. I’m more emotionally insecure that he’s physically going to do something. On terms of his exes, we had a conversation about who we used to date and I used Facebook to see who his exes were just to ease my mind. Because now I know what their relationship was like, I don’t have an insecurity about in it anymore.
On Advice
Q: If you had a piece of advice to tell someone about to do a LDR with their significant other, what would it be?
A: Have confidence, communicate pretty much everything, and show your emotions. Express yourself, it’s a two way relationship so say something if you need to. My mom told me that, you know, make sure you know that you can break up and it won’t be the end of the world. But obviously I’m like ‘Mom, no’ (laughs).
B: Honesty, just don’t hide anything. Be realistic and don’t trick yourself into thinking ‘this is going to be easy because I love him so much’. Just don’t get caught up in that fairytale. And stay in the moment. I struggled with getting very ahead of myself, but you have to treat everyday like it’s your last day. The minute you take them for granted, that’s when it falls apart. You have to take it day by day.
Special thanks to Reid and Nicolette for letting us get a peak inside their long-distance relationships!
