Dear men,

I recently turned 18 and found myself reflecting on this arbitrary mark of adulthood. You assume that once you get all the responsibility that comes with turning 18 you will feel more mature and somehow different, but I didn't at all. The thing that resonated with me was that my childhood was coming to an end and that made me think about the quality of my childhood, what it taught me, and the impact the world has had on me to create the woman I am today. In talking with male friends and male adults in my life I've realized the differences in what I learned as a child and the way I was raised. To me, it is indisputable that women have different experiences growing up in today's world and I felt this would be an appropriate time to address the lessons I have been taught and my own development in our, frankly, patriarchal society.

Let's start with the basics. In 18 years of being a woman, I've learned how to dress properly. I've been taught that the way I appear to the world is one of the most important determiners of the impression I give off. I know how to dress for the audience I want to cater to, whether its avoiding pants because more conservative people are evaluating me or to show a decent amount of skin to get into a party. I've learned to smile and exude positivity so that I'm not seen as cynical or deemed a bitch. I know what it means to stand in front of a mirror and evaluate every inch of my body. I've been taught what is sexy, what is thin, what is fit, what I should look like. I've learned to hold myself to that standard and other girls the same. I've learned that eating in front of people is embarrassing and have been taught that I will be judged as too concerned about my health or annoying if I display a strict diet, but that I will also be judged if I eat whatever I want because no one teaches women that its okay to gain weight.

I learned quickly when to keep my mouth shut.

I know how to read a room to see whether or not people will respect and listen to me. I know how to phrase things in a less aggressive way than I might want to in order to not offend those who think they know more than me because of my gender. I understand the feeling of being the only woman in a room. I know how powerless you can feel and the way the men around you look at you differently and how they automatically question your validity and prepare to join together to argue against you.

I've learned that my being confident in myself or openly sharing my opinions will often result in people calling me intimidating, scary, or attributing masculine phrases to my personality. I've learned that as patronizing as it is I should allow men to help me because it will make relationships with the men in my life easier. I've been taught that I am always safer if I have men around me. I know that I have to get over my embarrassment asking my male friends to always walk me home when it's dark out or asking them to go with me to places I "shouldn't" be alone. I know to not look up when I pass an unknown man when I'm alone and to not flinch or respond to comments men make to me on the street. I've learned that unwanted comments about my body from strangers and friends are not uncommon and that "overreacting" to such comments will only make people dislike me.

I've been taught to always appear as good, pure and innocent and that people will often expect me to be naive. I've been taught that good girls don't do a lot of things and me doing those things gives me a very specific image. I'm numb to words like "whore," "slut," and "hoe" because of the way they are thrown around. I've learned not to take them personally and to understand that people will always make assumptions about my sexuality because of the way I dress or act.

Most importantly though, I've learned that I'm never good enough and I never will be. I've taught myself to live with all of my insecurities because stereotypes don't go away and I will always be judged by what a woman should be. I know that talking about how I don't want children or don't see myself getting married is shocking and prompts people to convince me that I don't know what I want yet. I've learned that no matter what career I choose I have a long road ahead to gaining any leadership position or respect. I know that I have to work twice as hard as my male peers and that I will never be paid as much or given the same validity and trust.

I've learned that the men around me don't know most of these things and can never understand them.

I know that they think they are being respectful of women and that they support my being a feminist but the tiny ways in which they patronize me or belittle me are too far ingrained for them to ever change. I've learned that "feminism" is a dirty word and that men will always question my political views, why I have them, and what gives my opinion any weight.

I know it seems cynical, but with my experiences in the world, I can't see drastic changes taking place in my lifetime. I understand my life sentence to all of the things I've written about and more because of the way I was born. I can talk about them and try to make people understand or try to act to make a change, and sometimes I feel empowered to do so. The sad part is that I often feel powerless and I know many women around me do as well. I have learned, however, that having amazing and strong women in my life make all of this a lot easier. Having girls that had similar experiences and being able to cry to each other somehow makes it better. The women I know give me power and I always try to do the same for them.