This week was one of the worst weeks of my life. I had to break up with someone who I was fond of, but just was not ready to be with. He was handsome, sweet, understanding, kind, generous, everything a person could want. So you ask "then why did you break it off with him?" He was a great first boyfriend, but as cheesy as this sounds, I just was not emotionally ready, and it pained me because he was truly a pleasure.
I suffer from multiple mental health issues. They are serious and yes mental health is a real thing. I've avoided dating basically my entire life because of them but I finally wanted to get into the dating world. I met a cute guy online and the first date went amazing. We had pizza and just had an awesome conversation.
The past few months were great. We had amazing food dates, cuddle sessions, everything a girl could want. He generously paid for my meals and did not accept my money. Brought me flowers unexpectedly which was sweet of him. He let me talk his ear off about my boring day. He was simply, wonderful.
We met in October and things started out great. Starting in the winter though, I started to feel so much anxiety and depression and I did not know why. I would get so happy to see him but so anxious to the point where I wanted to throw up. It sounds dramatic but it is true. I kept pushing myself and using tactics to continue dating and putting a strong face on. The anxiety and panic attacks kept getting worse and I kept getting sicker.
I was fighting them so badly wishing and hoping they would stop but they did not. When he left I had anxiety and when he came I had anxiety with the happiness. Why was this? I sat and sat to figure out the answer and I just could not. After pondering for days about what was more important to me, the guy or my health, which both were, I had to end things for my health, and I WAS HEARTBROKEN.
It was one of the worst things I have had to do and I wish no one ever has to go through a break up let alone be the one that has to do it. It was so difficult. You could imagine his reaction was not happy, and it crushed me. It pained me so much. He was such a nice and sweet person and did not deserve this from me. I knew though that I had to put my health first and put a pause on dating until I was truly ready again. So I met with him, did the talk, gave him a letter, and sadly said my goodbyes.
After I finished crying to my friends and family, I took a step back to reflect on this experience to see what I have learned. Although the relationship was short, I learned so much.
I learned that until you feel confident and love yourself, you can't date, at least for me personally. I have difficulties feeling good enough, so I have to put a pause on dating until I feel happy with who I am.
I learned that you have to always consider the feelings of the person you are dating and be honest. Do not be afraid to communicate because if you don' express your feelings, the relationship can spiral.
I learned that mental health really is important. If you are not in a good state of mind, you can't function. You need to put your health before others.
Lastly, I learned that breakups are extremely hard. My first one was difficult and I am sure I will have many more in the future. But I am learning and growing.
To the guy whose heart I broke, I am extremely grateful for the time I spent with you and I am so sorry. Whether you read this or not, you are special and will always be important to me, which I truly mean. But right now, I need to take care of myself but am blessed to have ever met you.
To anyone going through a breakup, make sure you have support and a bowl of ice cream; you are going to need it.