I have days where I am confident enough to wear only a t-shirt to do laundry, and I have days where I can’t even get out of bed to put on a t-shirt. I have days where I look in the mirror and wink at myself and know that “beautiful” is not just a word, but that I embody it. I have days where I can’t even look at the mirror; I am too afraid of the voice in my head saying, “You aren’t good enough.” Still, through this rollercoaster of self-hate/self-love, I keep busy and my plate full. Usually, that is the problem. I have dealt with body dysmorphia my entire life.
I am an artist. My preferred method of art is Poetry. I was so attracted to the script of Lemonade, the thought of Lemonade as a stand-alone poem. And then the lyrics of the actual songs hit me, and holy cow. Beyoncé really outdid herself this time.
This collection is obviously about the dissection of a relationship, more specifically Bey and Jay-Z. However, I connected to this album from the view of being in a relationship with myself. I can be verbally abusive, and I can be emotionally supportive. Lemonade has better articulated these emotions more than most songs being written today.
Think of this list as a letter: from Me, to I.
1. PRAY YOU CATCH ME: “Where do you go when you go quiet?...What are you hiding?”
This song accurately portrays the stress/loss of an individual. When you are in a relationship, that person is a part of you. They have an impact on everything you do. Sometimes I wish I could detach from myself and see objectively. This song with its lyrics:
“You can taste the dishonesty, It’s all over your breathe
As you pass it off so cavalier, But even that’s a test, Constantly aware of it all”
2. HOLD UP : “I tried to change, … Tried to be soft, prettier. … Abstained from mirrors. … I sat alone and begged and bent at the waist”
I am constantly aware of my flaws and feel guilty when I know I have been dishonest to myself. I told myself I wouldn’t eat that entire pot of Mac ‘N’ Cheese, but I did it anyway. And that may seem funny to some, but I really do feel like a shitty person when I let myself down. Sometimes the only way to escape myself is to sleep, which only makes the situation worse; I awake feeling more groggy. A constant cycle of cat and mouse. Sometimes, it feels like drowning.
Mirrors have always been my enablers. I cannot not look at my reflection, no matter what it is: a shop window, a bathroom mirror, my phone screen, a passing car. And it’s never positive, it’s never, “Dang, I really look good today.” It’s always, “Oh, so that’s how you look to others.” Followed by comments about my body. About my arms, about my chin. But sometimes I love myself so much; I am so confident in my body. I will wear all the short sleeve tanks and leggings I want and not give two F’s who has a comment.
Bey taught me that I always need to remind myself:
“Hold up, they don't love you like I love you…Step down, they don't love you like I love you”
3. DON’T HURT YOURSELF : “If this what you truly want, I can wear her skin...over mine. … You and your perfect girl.”
There are days where I feel like I am competing. I am competing with another part of myself for my own attention, for my own consideration and justification; for any acknowledgment that I MATTER. Some days I see a woman in magazines or really anywhere on the street and think, oh my god, if I had a body like that, I could rule the world. If that’s what you really want, I could wear her skin. Perfection.
4. SORRY : http://genius.com/Beyonce-sorry-lyrics“So what are you gonna say at my funeral now that you've killed me?”
This song is all about NOT being sorry for any of your actions. Bey is placing the blame on the other person; the ball is in their court, so to speak. This is a reflection of how I project my self-loathing onto the world around me. There are times where I will get so angry at the fact I am having a bad day (in the sense that I feel like a literal whale), I will take it out on anyone around me.
Sometimes I reflect on my actions and I can barely sit alone with myself. That part of me has killed me, numb to any emotion other than hate. What would someone say at my funeral, if I only had bad days?
5. 6 INCH: “Loss. Dear moon, we blame you for floods... for the dark, for the ghosts.”
Just because I put myself down, does not mean I don’t have days where I’m “feelin’ myself.” I can look in the mirror and say, “Damn, you look good today. Go kill it.” It’s important to have a balance, and it’s important to keep people around you who encourage that balance and accept you for all your moods. This song is definitely my new getting dressed to go out jam!
“Six-inch heels, she walked in the club like nobody's business. Goddamn, she murdered everybody and I was her witness”
