Content warning: suicide, depression, self-harm
On May 18th, 2017, I tried to kill myself by taking endless amounts of Ibuprofen.
It was only two weeks before I graduated high school, two days after I saw my favorite band, and a week before our senior class trip to Six Flags.
You're probably wondering what drove me to that point since I had so much to look forward to, but I can honestly say I was in the worst relationship I will probably ever be in. I thought I met a boy from heaven back in January 2017. He was sweet, wanted to show me off, and would spoil me with dinner dates and little surprises here and there. I hate to admit it, but he was the one that drove me to break up with my previous boyfriend of two years, I don't regret cutting things off with him since it was well overdue, but I do regret letting the toxic one convince me to do it.
Everything was going great with my new guy. We hung out a lot and even sometimes with his friends, he got me a birthday present and always made sure I was doing okay. He kept asking me to be his girlfriend but I kept denying it since I was freshly out of a two-year relationship and he was heading off to boot camp in the summer for the Army. Eventually, a couple of months pass and I finally agree to be his girlfriend since my feelings got stronger for him.
It was perfect. I was so happy to be with him. Until two weeks of dating later, I found out he was talking to other girls romantically. Of course, I called him out on it. I didn't understand after all this time he was begging me to be his girlfriend, he goes and does this. I was upset for a few days and eventually got over it since it wasn't physical or anything. From that day, our relationship went down drastically every day.
He started telling me what I could and couldn't wear. Whenever I would wear leggings he'd call me a slut or a whore. If I'd wear a v-neck shirt, I'd be stupid for showing off my boobs when that wasn't my intention at all. The only things I could wear were sweatpants and a sweatshirt, and when I'd do that, he'd call me ugly. I wasn't allowed to hang out with any of my guy friends because apparently they were threats, but yet he could go hang out with other girls alone and I couldn't be mad since "he was leaving for the Army in a couple of months and wanted to have fun." He told me I was only in wrestling because I wanted to pick up guys even though I've been in it since I was a little girl.
He was always lying about where he was. We shared our location on Find My Friends on the iPhone, and if I wasn't home or at work, he'd yell at me even if I was just at a friend's house. Two weeks later he broke things off with me but yet wanted to continue talking and being a thing until he left. Even though I was considered "single," I was still told I couldn't wear what I wanted or hang out with any other guys.
I was soon diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I was up until 4 a.m. on school nights because of all the lies he'd tell me and I would wonder what I'm doing wrong since everything changed in a snap. I was worried about everything I did and wondering if he'd be mad at me if I did this or that.
It was now May of 2017 and I lost a total of 10 pounds from stress, I didn't get my period anymore because of how underweight I was. It was May 16th and I was on my way to see my favorite band with my best friend. I was waiting for this day since my birthday and I was so excited. But, when you knew I was having fun finally in a long time, he had to ruin it by texting me in the middle of it saying how he never wants to talk to me again and how crazy I am. I just didn't understand anymore.
Two days later was the day that changed my life forever. I caught him in another big lie and finally confronted him and I was then told how crazy I am, how he used me for gifts, how unattractive I am and other things girls should never hear. He convinced me that all these were true and I left class to go home and end my life.
Deep down I knew I didn't want to and it was stupid that I'm doing this because of a boy. But my way of ending this relationship for good was to be away from the world for a few days. I admitted myself into the inpatient treatment program at the hospital for a suicide attempt, anxiety and depression. I was in there for four days. I thought that admitting myself to the hospital was the weak way out of the relationship since I felt like I was running away from the problems. But in reality, I realized that this was the right way out for me.
I took four days to myself with no technology and no interaction with anybody besides my parents. It was exactly what I needed to keep my mental health in check. When I was released I felt like a new person, besides being 14 pounds underweight, I now felt free. In the beginning, I may have felt that admitting myself was the fragile way out, but when I was released, I understood that it was the only way out. I had the best last few weeks of my senior year with the people that mattered most in my life. I graduated high school and was now on my way to becoming a freshman in college.
It has almost been two years since this day and I still struggle heavily with my anxiety and depression. I have trust issues with everyone when I know I shouldn't. Luckily enough for me, I found love again. With someone who treats me how I should be treated. He knows my past and knows how hurt I was and I can never thank him enough for making me believe in love and myself again.
Although my life almost ended, I knew that I had so much more potential and I wasn't going to let a mentally abusive guy win. If you are or have been in my position and thought the only way out was to end your own life, I understand. But this is a sign to tell you that it does get better, it may be hard to leave at first because you think you love them and they love you, but someone who makes you feel worthless does not love you. Your own mental health comes first. You deserve someone better, and I found my someone better... and you will too.
If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255