After Being Mistreated And Realizing I'm Worth More, I'm Letting Go Of Unhealthy Relationships

After Being Mistreated And Realizing I'm Worth More, I'm Letting Go Of Unhealthy Relationships

I'm learning how to set boundaries with myself and other people; I'm learning when I need to leave.

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"I've dealt with that kind of person before, and you don't want to be that way," I told him.

"Yet you still keep going back," he replied.

Touche.

My mind is split between knowing I deserve better and still yearning for what I want, grasping at anything that will help me avoid this loneliness. But deep down, truly, I know I should've left you before any of this started.

I should've left you when I forgot what I needed to give you everything I had, everything you wanted, when you wanted it. I couldn't decipher what I truly wanted from what I was willing to give, but I shouldn't have had to deal with that fight in my head. So much has been stolen from me already -- my body, my emotional labor -- how am I supposed to know what's truly mine anymore?

I should've left you when you stepped in front of the sun and created a shadow. When I realized how you towered over me, in stature, in vocal level, in strength of opinion, in needing to be right. I should've left you when the sound of vultures swarming around us woke me up like a bird's morning chirping but sounded more like a dying animal than a baby bird's birth.

I should've left you when I tried to gingerly tell you my secrets and you shut your eyes and ears, hanging padlocks like earrings, sliding glue along your eyelashes.

I should've left you when they told me to. When they told me who you were behind closed doors. Who you were both when I was and wasn't looking. When they asked me over and over again why I still talk to you. When your lips covered mine, inhibiting me from speaking. When I heard war erupting from your voice, spilling over onto my lap, scratching at my ears. My nose is filled with the smoke of your angry words slipping in between crevices in your room, in spaces we shared.

I should've left you when your anger turned into exclamations and screams that triggered old memories of fear. I'm reminding myself every day that if he or she scares you, that relationship isn't healthy, and that we are worth our health.

I should've left you when our relationship was more unhealthy than healthy, when I felt like nothing more than something, when my friend told me that someone who truly respected me wouldn't treat me that way. And I should've left you when you cared for someone else more than me, and I was standing right in front of you, crying.

I am the voices of hundreds of girls hanging like forgotten keys on the hook by the door. I let you in. I try not to blame myself for doing so. I pick up the keys this time; I unlock the door on my way out. My feet catch on the Welcome mat but even my tripping directs me forwards.

Leaving you means going back to when I was a young, new girl, a budding flower. Before they screamed when I cried. Before I felt someone else's hands on me. Before I felt fear or discomfort or disgust or depression. Before it happened over and over again. Before so much was lost.

But lose you and remember my worth. Lose you and find someone who treats me like a person should be treated. Losing isn't always what's screwed me over. And depending on the relationship, losing doesn't have to mean an utter, final loss. It's saying no, standing up for myself, not spending too much time with you, not staying when you hurt me.

"Raise your hopeful voice / you have a choice / you'll make it now... You have suffered enough / and warred with yourself / it's time that you won." -Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova, Falling Slowly

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Everything You Will Miss If You Commit Suicide

The world needs you.
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You won't see the sunrise or have your favorite breakfast in the morning.

Instead, your family will mourn the sunrise because it means another day without you.

You will never stay up late talking to your friends or have a bonfire on a summer night.

You won't laugh until you cry again, or dance around and be silly.

You won't go on another adventure. You won't drive around under the moonlight and stars.

They'll miss you. They'll cry.

You won't fight with your siblings only to make up minutes later and laugh about it.

You won't get to interrogate your sister's fiancé when the time comes.

You won't be there to wipe away your mother's tears when she finds out that you're gone.

You won't be able to hug the ones that love you while they're waiting to wake up from the nightmare that had become their reality.

You won't be at your grandparents funeral, speaking about the good things they did in their life.

Instead, they will be at yours.

You won't find your purpose in life, the love of your life, get married or raise a family.

You won't celebrate another Christmas, Easter or birthday.

You won't turn another year older.

You will never see the places you've always dreamed of seeing.

You will not allow yourself the opportunity to get help.

This will be the last sunset you see.

You'll never see the sky change from a bright blue to purples, pinks, oranges, and yellows meshing together over the landscape again.

If the light has left your eyes and all you see is the darkness, know that it can get better. Let yourself get better.

This is what you will miss if you leave the world today.

This is who will care about you when you are gone.

You can change lives. But I hope it's not at the expense of yours.

We care. People care.

Don't let today be the end.

You don't have to live forever sad. You can be happy. It's not wrong to ask for help.

Thank you for staying. Thank you for fighting.

Suicide is a real problem that no one wants to talk about. I'm sure you're no different. But we need to talk about it. There is no difference between being suicidal and committing suicide. If someone tells you they want to kill themselves, do not think they won't do it. Do not just tell them, “Oh you'll be fine." Because when they aren't, you will wonder what you could have done to help. Sit with them however long you need to and tell them it will get better. Talk to them about their problems and tell them there is help. Be the help. Get them assistance. Remind them of all the things they will miss in life.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255

Cover Image Credit: Brittani Norman

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Being Sick In College Is A Real Struggle

Being sick in college is definitely not as fun as having a sick day in middle school or high school.

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Something that I have had to deal with multiple times these past two semesters is being sick while in school. It can be a real pain especially depending on what type of sickness it is. I have had tonsillitis, mono, and I'm pretty sure I also had the flu.

Being at school and away from home can make being sick worse because there is nobody to take of you such as your parents. Another thing is having to make the decision to get the rest that your body needs in order to feel better or staying on top of your assignments to avoid falling behind. My parents will always tell me to get a good night's sleep so my body can feel better the next day. However, sometimes I will feel more stress if my work isn't getting done and I feel like I'm falling behind and leaving things to get done in the last minute.

Currently, I am sick now and the past few days haven't been easy, but I still attended all my classes so I wouldn't miss any material or assignments that were given. I usually end up feeling the worst at night when trying to fall asleep, and by that time the doctors are not present at the student health center. Even though my health is important I usually don't like taking too much time out of my day to go to the health center to see a doctor. Some days I don't really have much free time before the evening.

I don't believe I have been over-exerting myself, but I don't want to just stay in my bed all day and sleep, even though that may be what is best for me. Most professors will be understanding if I email them and provide them a doctor's note as well, but I also just got back from a conference where I had to miss two days of classes next week.

I have been trying to keep hydrated so that way my body can fight the sickness. Also, I have been told if you stay hydrated you can flush the virus out of your body quicker.

Eating can also be a pain when you have a sore throat, for the past couple of days I have tried to have some soup in order to help. Most meals I would have to force myself to eat something of substance in order to give my body some type of energy in order to get through the day. It's also never fun not being able to breathe out of your nostrils. If it wasn't my nose being stuffed, then it would be constantly runny so there was no winning that battle.

Looking back, I probably should have done a bit more work over spring break in order to get ahead in the case that something like this would happen. I wanted my break to be exactly that, a break. After not being home for a few months I just wanted some time off to relax.

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