How Being A Survivor Inevitably Leads To Self Love
Start writing a post
Health and Wellness

How Being A Survivor Inevitably Leads To Self Love

College assaults are way too frequent and often require a lot of effort to get to a place of acceptance and self-love.

59
How Being A Survivor Inevitably Leads To Self Love
NPR

Across college campuses, sexual assaults are a major issue. Most likely, you know someone who has been sexually assaulted or you have been sexually assaulted yourself. Even though it doesn't happen only on college campuses, it is heavily common because of the mainstream hook-up/party culture. According to RAINN, 11.2% of all students experience rape or sexual assault through physical force, violence, or incapacitation (among all graduate and undergraduate students).

My friend's sexual assault (which I am writing about) happened in the first quarter of college and furthermore, according to RAINN, more than 50% of college sexual assaults occur in the fall school year. Sex is a powerfully intimate activity, and it shouldn't be misused through rape or assault. Bodies should be honored and assaults can be incredibly detrimental. If it has occurred to you, please feel open to get help. Even if it was a while ago or it doesn't seem to bother you, it should be honored through talking about it with a trained professional. It can stay with you for a long time, especially if help is not received.

However, many people that go through this tragedy eventually end up learning their worth. My friend says they wouldn't take any of it back because it has been a powerful and emotional journey to be on their way to developing their self-worth and realizing they are worth the love they deserve.

*****Please keep in mind that this is an account of what occurred to one of my loved ones as told in the first person to keep their identity hidden. *********

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love requires vulnerability and the ability to truly understand self-worth. For so long, I have been carrying a large weight of my past. I have been through a lot of misguided relationships and experiences that I have felt guilty for due to the fact that I never got an apology. I think I felt guilty because I knew he didn’t. In some way, if I felt guilty, it gave meaning to my experience. It didn’t minimize it like I tend to do. I was afraid of the reality that I knew to be true.

Before I got to college, I was hoping the four years would be able to shape what I believe to be healthy relationship since I never saw that at home. Coming from a home life of fighting and hate, I have learned to build up walls to keep people out. I have also felt worthless for quite some time because I didn’t understand that, just because I never saw it, I am worth love. I am worth the gentle touch of someone who genuinely cares about me. Life doesn’t have to be full of fighting and misunderstandings in order to go on. Contrary, that is quite exhausting and damaging.

However, the “trauma” I went through when I got to college stayed with me my entire year. I stopped believing I was valuable because I was handled inappropriately by the opposite sex during a time that I was not able to defend myself. I always have thought that closure was what I needed. That if I apologized, maybe we would get to a conclusion to this horror. However, nothing can erase the past. What’s done is done. All there’s left to do is move on. Accept the reality and not let it crush my current well-being or friendships. I am loved more than I could ever imagine, which is why I can’t sabotage good relationships due to unimportant people that have crossed my path.

Over time, I have realized that I am greater than my past or who it made me be. Having a great support system has been what has pulled me through because they see value in me even when I may not see it myself. I am lucky enough to have such an incredible and supportive boyfriend who is the love of my life.

After discussing what occurred to me and opening up truthfully, he was shocked towards the guilt I gave myself and the pass I gave my offenders. I always felt that since one of the attackers is in my circle of friends, I was obligated to keep him in my good graces to avoid conflict. However, my boyfriend has shown me my worth when I have felt as if it’s okay to minimize what occurred due to my guilt. My boyfriend's confidence in the fact that this boy was wrong in his actions was something I didn't even know I needed.

Furthermore, My friends have been beyond supportive in listening to me and believing my side of it ever since it occurred. They have held me through times that I have broken down and never judged me for feeling poorly about it. In fact, they’re the ones that have been supporting me in the idea that I don’t need to minimize because they see right through it.

It’s not like I haven’t tried to get help for it. My friend brought me to make an appointment with a therapist at school. It was the same friend that left me there that night after I had repeatedly made her promise me she wouldn’t. When I went to the therapist, she basically told me she wasn’t equipped to decide if it was fate or not. It broke me down because when I was at my worst and feeling the guilt, I hadn’t gotten the strength to agree that it was assault.

I left that appointment with the idea that assault is if I only decide it is or not. And since I didn’t want to accept it, I always shoved it down. She should’ve been more concerned rather than acting as if it was an appropriate action for two drunk college students. The stigma behind rape being too common to control needs to stop.

I have gone to my therapist that I’ve seen since middle school, and she has been more supportive since we have a deeper connection. However, she still has the position of leaving the definition of “assault” up to me. But luckily, she considers it assault which has sparked the idea that maybe it actually was. That maybe it’s okay to not be okay at times.

I don’t always have to control everything in my life, but I need to accept the realities. However, my therapist and I have concluded that this situation’s outcome is dependent on what I feel in my heart. Meaning, if I feel as if it is assault, then it must be. However, I’ve needed someone to tell me that it truly wasn’t my fault. That there is no room to even consider it being assault or not because it wasn’t in my control. It was outside of me.

It wasn’t me hurting someone else… someone else had hurt me deeply. While my therapist did a good job at persuading me that it is okay to accept it as assault, it didn't really register fully since her job is to be specialized in these types of situations.

Writing about it something I have never done, probably because it requires a level of vulnerability and openness I haven’t wanted to show in the past. However, I need a parting with it. I need a chance to write down what happened, in order for me to fully get out my thoughts and negative emotions about it. It feels so liberating to believe the idea of being worth more than my situations that I haven’t been able to control. I have always minimized it because it wasn’t technically “rape”.

I’ve been carrying a giant fear, especially of “causing drama”, ever since it occurred. If I had always been able to push it down, that has meant that I wouldn’t cause any more drama. But I’m tired of trying to hide it just to please everyone. While he is off having fun, I am stuck here wondering what I had done wrong. Maybe if I hadn’t flirted with him at the bar or the week before… maybe if I hadn’t drunk/smoked as much… maybe if I had worn something more conservative… But fuck, these are all excuses.

These are all reasons he’s excused and there’s no reason for him to be excused. I wish he could've been mature enough to come up to me and apologize. I know he felt bad after my friend yelled at him to get out because she has told me he didn't mean any harm after she talked to him again. When he ends up feeling poorly about something he “didn’t know’, he basically has admitted to doing something wrong. I know I’ve come up with the conclusion of this during therapy, but I have needed someone else to point it out to me for so long. It’s easy for me to lose strength in this because I truly don’t want it to have happened, and it’s easy for me to believe it wasn’t an assault if it’s based purely upon what I’ve concluded.

But I think I need to write out what happened. I need to be honest and open, instead of trying to hide it.

I had gone out to a bar that night. A bar I frequently visited prior and after this incident occurred. I don’t fully remember, but I believe I was hanging out with him that night because I had hung out with him a few times before. I had drunk more than I should’ve, causing him to order me a water on the way out. I remember not being able to walk to our next location which was someone’s apartment, so he had to guide me there. I don’t fully remember it because it has been over a year.

However, I believe we were making out on our friend's couch. I had asked my friend earlier to go to the bathroom with me to make sure she didn’t leave me because I wasn’t in the right place to hook up with someone. I believe I somehow started laying down as to which I’m hazy of after. He might’ve gotten up and went to the other couch to stare at me passed out on this dirty couch. I remember our friend yelling in the other room because he wanted to see how we would react. I started laughing as to which this boy had said “oh good, you’re awake”... I'm sorry, did you think I decided to take a nap in the middle of hooking up? I slurred my words as I had said, “come on over”. He said, “are you sure you’re okay?” I said, “yes come come”. He pulled me to sit up. Somehow he ended up laying down and me on top of him.

I was too drunk to take off his pants even though I tried to unzipper them. He easily unzipped mine and took off my bra and shirt and started to take advantage of me. I remember I felt extremely uncomfortable and therefore I rolled onto the floor and started yelling for my friend to come get me. She was spending time with one of the people that lived in the apartment we were in. He got up and said yeah I can leave after she yelled at him and left while looking as if I was the crazy one. I woke up on the couch the next morning with the guys who lived in the house staring over me.

He texted me the next day asking me if I was okay, but there was no way I was responding. I saw him at a Greek event later and he stared at me as he passed my way. He might’ve said hi, but I didn’t answer. Throughout the year he’s stared at me across the room but has always been too shy to strike up a conversation. We might’ve said hi in passing a few times. But one night, I got drunk late in the year and i talked to him at the bar about school and I had hugged him. In fact, I believe I have hugged him quite a few times when I’ve seen him at the bar and have been too drunk to recognize he’s not a “friend”.

The other time I had gotten assaulted was when I had gone home with someone earlier in the year. I asked him if we could just watch Netflix and not hook up but I had given him the wrong impression in the street and the Uber. We pre-gamed together and went to a party. We both were bored so we decided it would be more fun if we could do it by ourselves. I was so naive at that time in the First Year. I had believed that since he was in a frat, he was trustworthy.

The whole idea of "Greek sticks together" was still stuck in my head as a naive Freshman. However, I remember a super long car ride to get to his place. It was a shitty place and town. Immediately, he had pulled me into the bedroom and started to take advantage of me. I went along with it because I was scared. He kept ordering me to perform certain acts as to which I was too shy to mutter out a “no” and when I did, I don’t believe he heard me because it was so quiet. I wanted him off of me so badly, but I thought my only option was to look out his window and stare at this tree. It was grounding and was outside which meant it was safe. If I did what he wanted, would that mean that I would be able to go outside soon as well? Does that mean it would end sooner?

But luckily my impulses kicked in and he finally released me when I pretended to have a headache. I acted so well, he asked if I wanted to call an ambulance. I said no, I just want to go home. Thankfully, he let me leave. I remember being extremely uncomfortable while waiting for the Uber. When I got in, I asked the Uber driver where we were and he said he didn’t know because he doesn’t like to go into that area and he said that he just dropped someone off from the city which is why he was there. I called my best friend, completely in fear and shock. The Uber asked if I was ok because I seemed so upset. I woke up with a $40 Uber charge. I was beyond upset with having to pay for something that was so demeaning, which is why I asked the guy to pay. My friend told me that I shouldn’t have to pay for that.

Thankfully, he agreed to meet up. Instead, I faked an excuse and said that Venmo worked. Thankfully, he Venmo'd me what he owed me and I was done with him. However, that tree had haunted my dreams for quite some time. I would often have nightmares throughout the year of being in the middle of a party but looking at this one tree outside the window and being triggered by it.

Throughout the year, I felt useless because I had been used and I acted in such a way to allow these type of events to keep occurring. I had nightmares where I would either make up scenarios of being triggered or I would replay the event in my head. It has even come up during times of the day that I will get triggered and have to recollect myself. Thankfully, it has been happening less and less as I have started to let it go, but it still is a part of my past that I won't ever be able to take back.

Both times, I can’t remember if I had said no or not. But I’ve come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter what I said. They both should've given me Advil and a blanket and left me alone to sleep it off. If they had done that, I wouldn’t have lost as much respect as I had for myself. Part of me wanted these things to occur to prove that I wasn’t worthy of love or the effort of love. But I am. I am an incredibly sensitive and insightful person and I have done SO well for myself. Beyond belief. I’m not letting some low life cause me distress in believing I am tainted or unworthy. I am loved and I am love.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Student Life

Waitlisted for a College Class? Here's What to Do!

Dealing with the inevitable realities of college life.

46885
college students waiting in a long line in the hallway
StableDiffusion

Course registration at college can be a big hassle and is almost never talked about. Classes you want to take fill up before you get a chance to register. You might change your mind about a class you want to take and must struggle to find another class to fit in the same time period. You also have to make sure no classes clash by time. Like I said, it's a big hassle.

This semester, I was waitlisted for two classes. Most people in this situation, especially first years, freak out because they don't know what to do. Here is what you should do when this happens.

Keep Reading...Show less
a man and a woman sitting on the beach in front of the sunset

Whether you met your new love interest online, through mutual friends, or another way entirely, you'll definitely want to know what you're getting into. I mean, really, what's the point in entering a relationship with someone if you don't know whether or not you're compatible on a very basic level?

Consider these 21 questions to ask in the talking stage when getting to know that new guy or girl you just started talking to:

Keep Reading...Show less
Lifestyle

Challah vs. Easter Bread: A Delicious Dilemma

Is there really such a difference in Challah bread or Easter Bread?

29737
loaves of challah and easter bread stacked up aside each other, an abundance of food in baskets
StableDiffusion

Ever since I could remember, it was a treat to receive Easter Bread made by my grandmother. We would only have it once a year and the wait was excruciating. Now that my grandmother has gotten older, she has stopped baking a lot of her recipes that require a lot of hand usage--her traditional Italian baking means no machines. So for the past few years, I have missed enjoying my Easter Bread.

Keep Reading...Show less
Adulting

Unlocking Lake People's Secrets: 15 Must-Knows!

There's no other place you'd rather be in the summer.

953924
Group of joyful friends sitting in a boat
Haley Harvey

The people that spend their summers at the lake are a unique group of people.

Whether you grew up going to the lake, have only recently started going, or have only been once or twice, you know it takes a certain kind of person to be a lake person. To the long-time lake people, the lake holds a special place in your heart, no matter how dirty the water may look.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

Top 10 Reasons My School Rocks!

Why I Chose a Small School Over a Big University.

167260
man in black long sleeve shirt and black pants walking on white concrete pathway

I was asked so many times why I wanted to go to a small school when a big university is so much better. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure a big university is great but I absolutely love going to a small school. I know that I miss out on big sporting events and having people actually know where it is. I can't even count how many times I've been asked where it is and I know they won't know so I just say "somewhere in the middle of Wisconsin." But, I get to know most people at my school and I know my professors very well. Not to mention, being able to walk to the other side of campus in 5 minutes at a casual walking pace. I am so happy I made the decision to go to school where I did. I love my school and these are just a few reasons why.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments