Life Now Since My First Article

I Am Not Who I Was When I Wrote My First Article

I have learned that the world doesn't owe me shit

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Around this time last year, my first article was published. The article was about gaslighting and I had written that article because of the abuse I had experienced in a relationship that ended around this time a year ago.

I remember sitting down and it only taking a few minutes to finish the article. I was that angry. I was ready to destroy someone who had destroyed me regardless of the repercussions. I was in fight mode when I published that article.

It is a year later and I would never regret any articles I have written, but I do think that a lot has changed since then.

Since that article, I have realized a lot about myself that I don't think I would have realized if I didn't take out the time to write about what had and has happened. I wrote my first article and the following articles about the abuse I had experienced not realizing that I took less responsibility for the way things happened in that relationship than I should have. It has taken a lot of time for me, and even now, I realize that I tend to pick up the lesser end of responsibility than I should with most things in my life.

Since my first article, I have written so much about self-love and abuse in relationships. I'm going to ignore the abuse part for a second and focus on the self-love for a moment. It's bullshit. I can't remember what I've written exactly, but self-love is different for me now than it was before. The whole idea of having a deep fascination with yourself to the point you put yourself on a pedestal because others haven't is bullshit. It took some time but I realized that my version of self-love was taking no responsibility and avoiding the fact that I am the cause of most of my problems. It was blaming everyone but myself. I was one of those people who looked at my traits as definite rather than something I could work on.

And you know, to this day, my past relationship still haunts me. Not the person I was with but the things had been said and done. I'm terrified of getting close to people and if I do, one wrong move and I'm out. And it still haunts me in a way that's much different than I would have ever assumed. And not knowing what was coming after but hoping that love from another human was, I had this crazy idea that the world owed me after that and since then.

But boy, does the world owe me absolutely fucking nothing.

I was talking to a guy before coming to Thailand and a few weeks ago I had found out he was calling me crazy to his friends. This is nothing too relevant but when I thought for sure that the world was on my side, boy. I never said anything to him, I never did anything to him, and I kept my mouth shut no matter how I felt. I was still called crazy. After that, I realized how little the world owes me.

A few weeks ago I was telling my sisters about my dating life and one of them said, "I feel tired for you." And when I think like that I think of my past relationship and all of the things I'd like from someone. That's the problem though. I thought some guy was going to come along and treat me in ways that I had forgotten. I thought that someone was going to come to me and look at me with appreciation because I had forgotten what that felt like. I thought I was going to be respected, appreciated, and loved. When I wrote my first article I was torn and I knew I deserved so much more than I had gotten. Although I'm not where I was when I wrote that article, I have gotten all I have ever asked for and so much more.

And that's when I realized what self-love actually is.

I realized that the universe brought all I was expecting from some guy, from myself. I had realized that I wasn't giving enough credit to people who loved me and I was taking less responsibility than I ever should have. I realized how damaging I am to others and the relationships people try to form with me. I have realized how unbalanced I am in giving and taking with people who try so hard to love me. And I have realized that I was never ready for any relationship I had shared with any man because I didn't deserve them or vice versa. But now, I can say at some points that I didn't deserve certain men. I have come to know myself so well that I know what's right and wrong for me, without forcing anything. I have met guys that I'm not compatible with and that has been okay with me. I no longer blow things up if they aren't working out nor do I force things to be right between me and someone else. For once in my life, I have let all that needs to be just be.

I said before that I'd never regret my articles and I don't, but so much has changed for me that I don't have the stomach to go back and read them. It's not like I have forgotten about the pain written in my articles but that it has become so foreign to me. A whole year later and everything has changed.

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Goodbye Freshman Year

I miss you already

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Flashback to mid-August, the most emotional week of my life when I anxiously packed my mom's car with all of my belongings. I carefully closed the trunk, thinking it would bust open the second we hit a pot hole or took too sharp of a turn. We began the 6-hour drive and I had no idea what I was venturing into. I texted my friends about how boring the car ride was, I posted a goodbye message to my house on social media, and I laid down in the backseat listening to the radio and signing along with my parents for the last time. I mean… not for the last last time but for the last time as a kid that actually lives at home.

Moving away from home, from my small little town, from everything I knew… it didn't scare me. I looked forward to it and I eagerly awaited the day I would start my own life since I began thinking about college in elementary school- even back then my dream schools were always out of state. Even back then, though I didn't know it at the time, I wanted to prove to myself and to the world that I could be independent.

It's funny when I think about it now because I am the most independently dependent person I've ever met. I mean, I moved over 400 miles away from everything I knew but I still call my mom whenever I get the sniffles even though I know what medicine to buy and to drink orange juice. I moved over 400 miles away and I still ask my roommate to go across the street to get food with me because I don't like waiting in line by myself. I moved over 400 miles away, but I still call my mom almost every day and talk for over an hour each time because I miss the sound of her voice. I moved over 400 miles away, but I still sleep with the stuffed animal I got when I was 2 because it smells like home. But even that is funny because I call college home. I call my dorm home, I call these new people home. But now I have to say goodbye to my freshman year, and I miss it already.

I didn't cry about moving until I went grocery shopping with my parents for my dorm, and I didn't stop crying until at least three days after that. I knew I could do it, but nonetheless I was terrified of failing. I was so scared that I was going to disappoint my mom, or any of my family really. I had worked so hard for so long to get here, but I didn't know what came after that. I made it, I got into college, I moved in… but now what?

Well

Now, I have some of the best people I ever could have imagined in my life. The friends I have made in the last nine months have truly changed my life. I have the best memories with these people; from football games to study parties with pizza at 3 am, from church to horror movie marathons, and from holiday celebrations with crafts in my room to going on last minute adventures to places we've never been. They have seen me cry, they've seen me laugh so hard I couldn't breathe, they've seen me have breakdowns through stress, but most importantly they've seen the real me. I've changed a lot through the last two semesters, we all have. But they've stuck with me-they've loved me for my quirks and for my insecurities, for my ten-minute laughing fits and for my makeup obsession, for my shady comebacks and for my annoyingly optimistic view on everything. They're my home.

Now, I know what I want to do. Yes, I've made some questionable decisions and mistakes in my first year here, but I've never lost sight of who I am and who I want to be. I'm still working some things out, but I am reminded every single day why I am here. I can honestly say that even while I sit in my classes I genuinely love being here, and I am falling more and more in love with my major every single day. I still have three years left and I can't wait to see what they bring, but so far I'm in love. I'm in love with life, I'm in love with my school, I'm in love with my future.

Now, I walk around this campus that seemed so huge at first, and I am still in shock that I am here. I see the groups of high schoolers on tours around campus and I smile, remembering what it was like when I toured here with my dad. I think about how this school, full of over 30,000 students, can somehow feel like such a close-knit family and how it really has become my home.

Now, with less than two weeks left in my freshman year, I'm just as emotional as I was in my first week. I'm excited to go home and see my family, and I'm stoked to see what the next few years will bring, but I don't want to leave. I don't want to wake up in the morning and not see my roommate or not be able to take walks around this gorgeous campus. I don't want to finish packing all of these boxes and squish them back into the car. I don't want to wait three whole months to be back at Willy-B screaming with the rest of my gamecocks.

I never expected my first year to go the way it has, and I never expected it to fly by this fast, despite what everyone told me.

Now, in two weeks when I move out and make that 6 hour drive back to my first home, texting friends, posting goodbye messages to my dorm, and singing along to the radio, I think I will actually cry. Not only because I'm sad about leaving, but because now...I know. I know now that I am capable but that I do still need my mom. I know now that I have to say goodbye to my friends here but that I won't lose them. I know now that I will be okay, and my future will be brighter than I ever could have imagined. I know that I have a home and a family to come back to in three months and I know that because of that, there's nothing to be scared of.

Goodbye freshman year, I miss you already.

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10 Pieces Of Advice From My Parents That Have Helped Me Survive This Thing Called Life

I don't like admitting that they're right, but they've helped me through more than they'll ever know.

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As I've entered my 20s and have made it halfway through college, I've learned that life can be hard and challenging at times. Like many kids, when I was growing up, I could care less about what my parent's advice or opinions were. Nine times out of ten, I would do the complete opposite of what they said. Once I got older and actually started listening to their advice and put it into perceptive, I learned that they're right more often than I'd like to admit.

1. Don't take things for granted

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I've learned to cherish what I have because I might not always have it. It's easy to take life itself and many things it involves for granted. They've taught me to take a step back from this crazy life sometimes and be grateful for all that I have.

2. Don't be afraid to put your heart on your sleeve

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My parents have taught me that if you feel something, don't be afraid to say it or embrace it. If you love someone, then tell them. Don't be afraid to put your heart out there just because you might get hurt.

3. Be vulnerable

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In life, in relationships, in your work. Take risks, get shot down, and then try again. Being vulnerable is scary yet so powerful.

4. You can never have too many shoes

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Otherwise known as it's okay to treat yourself. Life is hard, so take care of you. If that means going on a shopping spree every once in a while, then so be it.

5. You're going to be okay

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Whatever it is you're going through, you're going through it and you're going to come out on the other side. It may seem horrible now, but you'll learn from it and be okay in the end.

6. You have to have friends in life

friends

It's important to have people to lean on, especially on your bad days, and to celebrate with on your good ones. You can't just have you or a significant other to rely on.

7. Never be afraid to share your opinion

laverne cox

Don't be afraid to put your thoughts and opinions out there because they might be wrong. They could have a huge impact on someone or something.

8. Don't stress over things you have no control over

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Everyone is on their own path, which means everything will work out the way it's supposed to, even if it doesn't make sense right now. Again, you're going to be okay.

9. Happy, healthy, wealthy, wise

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My dad always says if you tell yourself every day that you're happy with yourself or your life, you're healthy and strong, you're wealthy in love and surrounded by great people, and you're knowledgable or wise, then you can achieve anything in life.

10.  S*** or get off the pot

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My all-time favorite piece of advice. Making decisions can be hard and scary, especially if the outcome could be getting hurt in the end. So, you either make a decision and roll with it no matter the outcome or you walk away.

Thanks, mom and dad for always being a phone call away when I need it! Just know that your advice and words of wisdom don't go unnoticed. For others, your parents have been on this planet much longer than you have and most likely experienced the same situations that you're dealing with. They don't have all the answers, but they are there to help.

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