I Am Not Who I Was When I Wrote My First Article

I Am Not Who I Was When I Wrote My First Article

I have learned that the world doesn't owe me shit

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Around this time last year, my first article was published. The article was about gaslighting and I had written that article because of the abuse I had experienced in a relationship that ended around this time a year ago.

I remember sitting down and it only taking a few minutes to finish the article. I was that angry. I was ready to destroy someone who had destroyed me regardless of the repercussions. I was in fight mode when I published that article.

It is a year later and I would never regret any articles I have written, but I do think that a lot has changed since then.

Since that article, I have realized a lot about myself that I don't think I would have realized if I didn't take out the time to write about what had and has happened. I wrote my first article and the following articles about the abuse I had experienced not realizing that I took less responsibility for the way things happened in that relationship than I should have. It has taken a lot of time for me, and even now, I realize that I tend to pick up the lesser end of responsibility than I should with most things in my life.

Since my first article, I have written so much about self-love and abuse in relationships. I'm going to ignore the abuse part for a second and focus on the self-love for a moment. It's bullshit. I can't remember what I've written exactly, but self-love is different for me now than it was before. The whole idea of having a deep fascination with yourself to the point you put yourself on a pedestal because others haven't is bullshit. It took some time but I realized that my version of self-love was taking no responsibility and avoiding the fact that I am the cause of most of my problems. It was blaming everyone but myself. I was one of those people who looked at my traits as definite rather than something I could work on.

And you know, to this day, my past relationship still haunts me. Not the person I was with but the things had been said and done. I'm terrified of getting close to people and if I do, one wrong move and I'm out. And it still haunts me in a way that's much different than I would have ever assumed. And not knowing what was coming after but hoping that love from another human was, I had this crazy idea that the world owed me after that and since then.

But boy, does the world owe me absolutely fucking nothing.

I was talking to a guy before coming to Thailand and a few weeks ago I had found out he was calling me crazy to his friends. This is nothing too relevant but when I thought for sure that the world was on my side, boy. I never said anything to him, I never did anything to him, and I kept my mouth shut no matter how I felt. I was still called crazy. After that, I realized how little the world owes me.

A few weeks ago I was telling my sisters about my dating life and one of them said, "I feel tired for you." And when I think like that I think of my past relationship and all of the things I'd like from someone. That's the problem though. I thought some guy was going to come along and treat me in ways that I had forgotten. I thought that someone was going to come to me and look at me with appreciation because I had forgotten what that felt like. I thought I was going to be respected, appreciated, and loved. When I wrote my first article I was torn and I knew I deserved so much more than I had gotten. Although I'm not where I was when I wrote that article, I have gotten all I have ever asked for and so much more.

And that's when I realized what self-love actually is.

I realized that the universe brought all I was expecting from some guy, from myself. I had realized that I wasn't giving enough credit to people who loved me and I was taking less responsibility than I ever should have. I realized how damaging I am to others and the relationships people try to form with me. I have realized how unbalanced I am in giving and taking with people who try so hard to love me. And I have realized that I was never ready for any relationship I had shared with any man because I didn't deserve them or vice versa. But now, I can say at some points that I didn't deserve certain men. I have come to know myself so well that I know what's right and wrong for me, without forcing anything. I have met guys that I'm not compatible with and that has been okay with me. I no longer blow things up if they aren't working out nor do I force things to be right between me and someone else. For once in my life, I have let all that needs to be just be.

I said before that I'd never regret my articles and I don't, but so much has changed for me that I don't have the stomach to go back and read them. It's not like I have forgotten about the pain written in my articles but that it has become so foreign to me. A whole year later and everything has changed.

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I'm A Woman And You Can't Convince Me Breastfeeding In Public Is OK In 2019

Sorry, not sorry.

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Lately, I have seen so many people going off on social media about how people shouldn't be upset with mothers breastfeeding in public. You know what? I disagree.

There's a huge difference between being modest while breastfeeding and just being straight up careless, trashy and disrespectful to those around you. Why don't you try popping out a boob without a baby attached to it and see how long it takes for you to get arrested for public indecency? Strange how that works, right?

So many people talking about it bring up the point of how we shouldn't "sexualize" breastfeeding and seeing a woman's breasts while doing so. Actually, all of these people are missing the point. It's not sexual, it's just purely immodest and disrespectful.

If you see a girl in a shirt cut too low, you call her a slut. If you see a celebrity post a nude photo, you call them immodest and a terrible role model. What makes you think that pulling out a breast in the middle of public is different, regardless of what you're doing with it?

If I'm eating in a restaurant, I would be disgusted if the person at the table next to me had their bare feet out while they were eating. It's just not appropriate. Neither is pulling out your breast for the entire general public to see.

Nobody asked you to put a blanket over your kid's head to feed them. Nobody asked you to go feed them in a dirty bathroom. But you don't need to basically be topless to feed your kid. Growing up, I watched my mom feed my younger siblings in public. She never shied away from it, but the way she did it was always tasteful and never drew attention. She would cover herself up while doing it. She would make sure that nothing inappropriate could be seen. She was lowkey about it.

Mindblowing, right? Wait, you can actually breastfeed in public and not have to show everyone what you're doing? What a revolutionary idea!

There is nothing wrong with feeding your baby. It's something you need to do, it's a part of life. But there is definitely something wrong with thinking it's fine to expose yourself to the entire world while doing it. Nobody wants to see it. Nobody cares if you're feeding your kid. Nobody cares if you're trying to make some sort of weird "feminist" statement by showing them your boobs.

Cover up. Be modest. Be mindful. Be respectful. Don't want to see my boobs? Good, I don't want to see yours either. Hard to believe, I know.

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10 Ways To Start Your Days Off Right By Bringing A Little Joy And Positivity Into Your Morning

"Listen to the birds sign a sweet morning song."

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I'll be the first to admit, I'm not exactly what you would call a "morning person." That being said, I think it's high time I bring some joy into my mornings. I mean, life is beautiful, and by not enjoying mornings, I think I'm missing out on a potentially enjoyable part of life.

So if you want to start enjoying your mornings like me, here are ten things you might want to try doing to start your days off right.

1. Make a happy and healthy breakfast.

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Make some toast, eggs, fruit, granola, or yogurt. OR, break out the bacon and have a good time. Any of those options sound like a good morning to me.

2. Drink a fresh cup of coffee (or tea).

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For me, I don’t think anything could beat the smell of a coffee being made in the morning. So whether you’re into coffee or tea, use a nice warm drink as a way to bring a little joy into your mornings.

3. Smile when you wake up.

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Start your morning with a good old-fashioned smile. Look in the mirror, look at how wonderfully made you are, and take a moment to smile and take that in.

4. Try to stay off of social media when you first wake up.

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I know, it’s all too easy to become glued to your phone these days, BUT I think that’s a few moments of time away from it, and away from social media, can be a good way to stay positive in the mornings.

5. Journal your thoughts going into the day.

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Take a pen, pencil, and a piece of paper, and take a moment to write down your thoughts, feelings, emotions, or anything else on your mind going into a new day.

6. Put on clothes that make you feel happy.

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Put on whatever outfit makes you happy, whether that’s a cute sweater or a t-shirt. Wear something that makes you feel good.

7. Watch the sunrise.

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OK, so I know you might not be able to do this every morning, but I think that watching the sunrise is the perfect way to start any day. What could be better than taking in all of these wonderful creations?

8. If you can, sit outside and enjoy our planet.

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On that note, take some time to sit outside and enjoy the early morning and the world around you. Start your morning off with some time to really just sit back and take it all in.

9. Spend some time reading something you enjoy.

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Grab a good book, a magazine, or whatever it is you might like to read. Take some time to clear your mind, and then fill it with lots of good writing.

10. Listen to the birds sign a sweet morning song.

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Arguably my favorite thing on the list, I truly can see no downside to listening to the birds chirping away in the morning. If you can, take some time to listen to nature’s sweet morning song.

Hopefully you can try one of these tactics to brighten up your morning, and in turn, maybe even brighten up your whole day. We live in a wonderful world, and I think that it's time we start to recognize that.

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