Building a wall around yourself isn’t always a bad thing. Very often, we misjudge people who have done so as being cold-hearted or emotionless. I’ve had a decent amount of experience with these words, especially since entering college. Being in a new environment and trying to make new friends isn’t an easy task when you struggle to open up. While everyone is going around sharing personal stories, you can’t help but sit back awkwardly, not saying anything. But that’s just because conveying emotion isn’t exactly your strong point.
And that’s just part of who you are.
Because I struggle so much with opening up to people, I’ve found myself to be a better listener. During “story time," I don’t twiddle my thumbs waiting for the speaker to finish so I can join in. I don’t interrupt anyone else. I listen because I know too well that I won’t be sharing my own story. And that’s okay because I know just how badly that person wants to be heard.
On top of that, I’ve learned that I give pretty damn good advice. I spend so much time talking myself in and out of situations that I’ve accumulated a decent sized list of solutions in my head. Very often, I find that one of my friends is struggling with something similar that I once did and I can simply pull an answer for them from my mental archives.
I’ve learned to distinguish between people I want in my life and people I need in my life. It’s not easy to find people I feel comfortable talking to about anything. I have plenty of friends I enjoy hanging out with and I certainly am glad to have them, but I know for a fact that I’m guarded around a decent amount of them. By no fault of their own, I just haven’t found the capability to lower my walls. However, for the people that I have been able to do so for, I know how special they are. When I find someone I can completely open up to, I value them greatly.
I’ve discovered that not every problem is the end of the world. I’m the type of person to complain about small inconveniences just for the sake of getting it off my back. I see no problem with that because it’s my way of relieving stress. Yet, I always keep the big problems in the back of my mind. In a weird and convoluted way, not being able to talk about my real problems makes my trivial ones seem even less important. It’s a weird perspective to have, but it’s allowed for me to see that I can easily get over things like stressful essays, boyfriend drama or problems at work.
Perhaps most importantly, I’ve learned not hand out my emotions so easily. This is where the cold-heartedness kind of plays in, I guess. I just don’t feel some emotions as quickly and easily as some people. I don’t “fall for” people very often because I’ve created a very unreasonably high list of standards, the highest being the ability for me to open up to them. Until I can do that, I can’t look at any guy as more than a friend. This has resulted in a lot of lonely Valentine’s Days, but I am certainly not going to complain about that. It just means that I don’t have to deal with as many dramatic fights and/or breakups and that my future relationships will be worth it.
So, in a way, yes being guarded has made me a bit inexpressive when it comes to emotions. I swear I have a heart, though. It’s just got some pretty sturdy walls around it, walls that I like being there. They keep me protected and I don’t plan on tearing them down anytime soon.