"I want to get louder. I got to get louder. We 'bout to go up baby, up we go. We 'bout to go up baby, up we go. We're blowing out speakers. Our heart a little clearer. We 'bout to go up baby, up we go."
-Hailee Steinfeld

A friend of mine recently brought to my attention how much I had changed in the last year. How much lighter I seemed as I walked through the doors. How much happier my responses were and how self-aware and sure of myself I had become.

I am no longer the girl who is mentally checked out from everything going on around her. The clouds that formed over my head, covering my eyes and ears, had been replaced by sunlight. I am becoming a fortune cookie, they joked, always aspiring to find the most profound and optimistic quotes and sayings.

And to be honest with you at first, I just laughed at the comment, not thinking much of it. Until I realized that they were not the first person to mention this to me. But more importantly, that they were right.

I once read about the effect of "personality reversals" in individuals who survive a near-death experience or witness the death of someone influential in their life. These individuals tend to change aspects of themselves that they are less pleased with or believe put them at further risk. And I can personally attest to this being absolutely true.

To this day, I still struggle to talk about my dad's last few weeks of life. In all honesty, I try to avoid even thinking about them. Not because I don't love my dad or extremely value his high points during that time, but because I will likely never witness or experience anything more excruciating, and it's still too hard to process.

The day my dad died I remember looking at myself in the mirror and not recognizing the person that stared back at me. The girl in my reflection looked exhausted. She looked heavier than I remembered, yet hollow. Lifeless. Half-way to becoming an orphan.

I wish I could tell you that I marched myself out of that room and immediately started changing my life. But I'd be lying to you. In fact, I didn't answer a single text or phone call that day, and very few the rest of that week.

Because when I thought I had reached the lowest of lows, the bottom fell out and I fell 10 feet further.

Because you don't get over the trauma, you get through it.

And that may take more time than you think.

But then you take your first step.

Then another.

And soon enough you begin your slow descent out.

I never want to be that girl again. The girl who once stood in my reflection with a tortured soul that only I could recognize, but I hope I never forget the scars it permanently made on me. Because what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger amiright?

And so I decided to change my life. To alter my values in a way that lead to more opportunity, more excitement, and especially more joy. I decided to completely alter how I perceived life and how I reacted to it.

I want to live louder than ever before.

I want to dance like an idiot throughout my apartment in hopes that no one else is looking, but without a care if anyone does. To blast exciting music on the Ravenel bridge as I chase yet another sunset. To go out last minute just because I can.

I want to live a life full of opportunity.

Full of hilarious stories that almost don't happen. Full of compassion and love for others. Most importantly, I want to live a life full of joy because I know what it's like to watch practically everything slip from my grasp.

I want to find strength in happiness and casting it outward to others. To cultivate light in the darkest of corners. To find joy. And my greatest hope is that we all do someday because

At times life can head south, but you can always choose a different direction."
-The Invisible Illnesses