Most people can say that they are an open book. That they are able to express their emotions, feelings, facial expressions, and life struggles openly. I am not one of those people. Whatever emotion that I am feeling or thinking about I mask pretty well. I often tend to keep a lot of what I am going through personally kept from others because I am afraid of being judged. Over the years, I have learned that it's okay to express my emotions and talk to someone about those feelings. In other words, I have learned that it's okay to not be okay. That I am going to have good and bad days but those good days will always outweigh the bad. So, in light of this, here are some of the many layers of myself that people don't see.
A layer of myself that people don't see are my feelings. I am constantly overthinking situations and afraid to ever express any time of sentiment (especially the unpleasant ones) because I don't want to deal with them. I often don't want to deal with the unpleasant sentiments because of the pain that comes along with them. It's almost as if I am afraid to feel sometimes. Which can be very detrimental because it's not healthy but I am learning to start being present in my emotions and feeling whatever I need to feel.
Another layer of myself that people often don't see is how attached I can get. I often hold on to people because they are all that I have ever known or I feel that I will never meet someone like them again. Learning to not be so attached to people has been a little challenging and I know it's not going to be so easy every time I meet someone. But I am learning that it's okay to let go and that there are other amazing people out there.
Lastly, another layer of myself that people don't see is detachment. I know this is completely opposite from what I have said above but I think that it's definitely possible to feel both at the same time. Personally, I can feel detached from some people and life. In the context of both, I can tend to not feel seen by the world and many people around me. Sometimes, I feel as if I am constantly being separated or not within myself (if this makes any kind of sense). Oftentimes I feel that I am not in my own body due to stress, anxiety, depression, etc...Again, I know that I will have both good and bad days but I have also learned that not being embodied (or present within myself) sometimes is valid because every day is not going to be perfect.
This article was hard for me to write in the beginning because I was afraid of being to "open" about myself but I think that If I can help anyone that may be going through the same issues or have the same layers as I do, that this is worth sharing. I'm not used to being openly honest about myself as a person and delving deep into who I am as a person. But this year, I am striving to be more open and write about the things that I am most afraid of writing about. Because this is where growth truly happens. Having layers is not a bad thing.These layers make up who we are and our identities.