To The One Dealing With Their First Loss,
Cry. Cry till the tears cannot seem to fall any more. Scream. Scream till your throat begins to scratch, and you feel as if your voice might give out. Feel. Although you may not enjoy this in your day to day life, feel. Feel all the emotions running through your mind and embrace them. If you don’t allow yourself to do these three things, you will not be able to cope. Not cope, I don’t like that word. Rather comprehend the events that have just happened.
I know this pain and aching in your heart and body is unlike any other pain you have ever felt. I know that phone call forever changed your life, and will continue to change it. I know you will relive this moment forever. Remembering what you were doing in these moments that it happened. Remembering the last second you had where you did not feel like the world was ending. No more running around like you’re invincible, like you’re loved ones are invincible.
You look around at everyone in a public place and wonder how they are not affected like you. Screaming inside your head as you try not to shed a tear because you hate when people ask “Sweetie are you okay?” Yes. Your answer will always be yes.Even though on the inside you know that you are no where near okay.
Bathe. Laying in bed is not a good look, I know you don’t care. I know, but if you cannot physically handle your own stench it is time to bathe. Lay in the bath. Although this isn’t much better than your bed, it is a step.
Let your friends try to help. If you push them away, some of them will not understand and will slowly fade away and become a distant memory. However, doing so can be okay, because the pain you feel is not something everyone will be able to handle. You will have that one friend that will not stop coming around no matter how many times you make the point that you do not want them there, they will come anyways. Talk to them. Let out anything that is on your mind. Let them take you out of the bed and drive you around. Let them take you to eat because even though your taste buds seem to have frozen with the rest of your life, and hunger isn’t something that seems like an issue, you need food.
I will not tell you that everything will be okay, because it won’t. Once this tragedy has happened, it will continue to happen in your mind over and over and over. It won’t stop. You can’t stop it. Live it. I know you want to give up and that constant feeling of wanting to give up is so tempting. Do not do it. You feel the pain you’re in right now and you have to realize that you would be allowing someone else to feel this pain too. Know that you’re important. Know that people actually do care.
Even though you scold at people for having a life full of happiness still to live, don’t resent them, encourage them. Because you know that one day they too will feel the emptiness inside them.
Go out. I know you are not ready, at least you do not feel like it. But you will never feel ready. You will never want to continue living life because you’re guilty. You’re guilty for trying to live a live without the one that you love.
Believe me when I say that the pain is never going away, you just have to learn to mask it. Mask it like you would a bad hair day with a hat. But instead of occupying your whole mind to thinking about the bad hair under the hat, take the time to think about the hat. Rock that hat.
Think about the one you love and how they would have never let you be how you are right now, depressed. Depressed. Depressed. That is all you feel you will ever be. Like this is your life now. And it is, but you can make this life worth living just a little bit.
I know I don’t know the same feelings that you are feeling because everyone is different. But I do know this. I once too lost a loved one for the first time. How does it feel? how do I deal? you may ask. I cannot seem to answer these questions, because it has almost been a year and I still cannot figure that out myself. I still count the days and wonder where we would be if they were here. I still go through all the pictures, post on their social media, think about their voice, and smile with tears running down my face. I too lost a loved one for the first time, and that was the first day I had to start life full of living with a constant sadness in the air, but not being able to show it.
From,
The One Dealing With Their First Loss