What I Wish I'd Known Before My Mother Passed Away

What I Wish I Could Tell The Me Who Hasn't Lost Her Mom Yet

If I could go back in time, this is what I'd tell my younger self.

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We all wish that we could go back in time and warn our past selves about things in our future lives. As for me, there is one thing that I would tell my younger self about. I would let myself know that one day my mom wouldn't be around to see me live my adult life.

As a child, I would say that I had a pretty "normal" life. I had two loving parents, I was an only child, and had lots of friends. I wasn't shy, I had a wild imagination, and big dreams for myself. Of course, I never pursued acting like I had wanted to, but that's a different story.

Having the childhood that I did, my parents and I went travels together, we went to the movies and even attended some theater productions as a family. The bottom line: my parents and I were close.

During the first semester of my junior year in high school, things were going well. I was in the choir I had dreamed about being in, I was excited about the classes I was in, and friendships were going strong. That was, until December of that year.

My mom became sick and unexpectedly passed away. It is an emotional trauma that I still deal with today. But nonetheless, I journeyed on and grew from my experience. This was an event that punched me right in the face without any time for me to prepare. So, if I could go back in time, and tell my childhood self that this was coming, this is what I would say.

Cherish The Small Moments

Every time that you lay in bed with your mom, watching the news before getting ready for school, cherish that moment. Cherish every time that you'd see her volunteering in the library at elementary school. Cherish even the moments that she was upset with you because no one cared as she did.

Don't Take Her For Granted

This was something she would say a lot, but it's true. Don't take for granted her writing you notes on napkins in lunchboxes. Or notes on cards that she would place in your suitcase or pillow when going off to camp. Don't take for granted her cooking, because you only know how to cook basic meals. And please, don't take for granted her calling you sunshine anytime she gets, because that word will end up meaning the world to you someday.

Let Her Know That You Love Her Too

Something that I regret not doing enough is letting my mom know how much I loved her and how thankful I was for everything that she taught me. So, let her know that you love her laugh that you inherited from her. Let her know how much you love watching Turner Classic Films and learning about all the different film facts she knows. Remember watching the soap operas All My Children and One Life To Live? Let her know that you loved doing that with her. Let her know how thankful you were that she was open about puberty (I know, an odd subject) with you because it helped you become more of an open person. And, last but not least, remember to let her know how much you love her because you'll regret not saying it enough later on.

SEE ALSO: What You Learn After Losing A Parent At A Young Age

As for me in the present day, I would do anything to have these experiences back, to relive them all over again. Grieving is an ongoing process that I have been told will continue forever. Sometimes it will be easy, other times hard, but I know that whatever the universe holds, I will see my mom one day again.

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To The Dad Who Didn't Want Me, It's Mutual Now

Thank you for leaving me because I am happy.
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Thank you, for leaving me.

Thank you, for leaving me when I was little.

Thank you, for not putting me through the pain of watching you leave.

Thank you, for leaving me with the best mother a daughter could ask for.

I no longer resent you. I no longer feel anger towards you. I wondered for so long who I was. I thought that because I didn't know half of my blood that I was somehow missing something. I thought that who you were defined me. I was wrong. I am my own person. I am strong and capable and you have nothing to do with that. So thank you for leaving me.

In my most vulnerable of times, I struggled with the fact that you didn't want me. You could have watched me grow into the person that I have become, but you didn't. You had a choice to be in my life. I thought that the fact that my own father didn't want me spoke to my own worth. I was wrong. I am so worthy. I am deserving, and you have nothing to do with that. So thank you for leaving me.

You have missed so much. From my first dance to my first day of college, and you'll continue to miss everything. You won't see me graduate, you won't walk me down the aisle, and you won't get to see me follow my dreams. You'll never get that back, but I don't care anymore. What I have been through, and the struggles that I have faced have brought me to where I am today, and I can't complain. I go to a beautiful school, I have the best of friends, I have an amazing family, and that's all I really need.

Whoever you are, I hope you read this. I hope you understand that you have missed out on one of the best opportunities in your life. I could've been your daughter. I could have been your little girl. Now I am neither, nor will I ever be.

So thank you for leaving me because I am happy. I understand my self-worth, and I understand that you don't define me. You have made me stronger. You have helped make me who I am without even knowing it.

So, thank you for leaving me.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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You're In A Quarter Life Crisis If You Are Having These 10 Symptoms

Here comes the post grad anxiety.

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I've been experiencing some pretty intense mood swings lately. Anyone who has been around me will know that I have not been myself for a little while now. I have a tendency to pile up all my stress factors in one go and stress out about everything all at the same time. Usually, the feeling fades but this one has been lingering for months! Months, I tell ya!

I recently lost my grandmother, and not being able to go home and attend the funeral really crushed me. I got the news of her passing the day of my final and just absolutely loss my sh*t from 0-100. Naturally, my brain decided to think about everything that's going to happen in the next few months since my body was already stressing out.

On top of the family loss, I thought about graduation, moving in with my significant other, my whole family meeting my significant other, physically moving to a new city, selling all my belongings, decluttering, my film project, being unemployed, owing money to my credit card, owing money to my parents, owing money in general, my dentist appointment, my surgery, my essay I haven't started, my $20 in my bank account, my $0 in savings and the list goes on and on.

While I was telling my roommate all of my thoughts and concerns she turns around and says " I think you're in a quarter-life crisis" which made absolute sense to me because I am turning 25 this year so there we go, my diagnosis. Here are 10 symptoms of a quarter-life crisis:

1. Doubting yourself and asking "What the f**k am I doing here?"

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"Is anything that I'm doing have purpose at all?" You're a lost wandering soul.

2. You're completely checked out from whatever you're doing.

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I give up.

3. "What are my strengths and weaknesses?"

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Jokes! I have none.

4. You feel a little sad, like all the time and afraid you're bring bad vibes to everyone around you. 

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There's always a mood cloud on my head.

5. You feel pressured if you're in a relationship.

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Am I really living up to all my expectations?

6. You want to be a solid responsible adult but scared you're going to regret everything if you sacrifice your youngin years.

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WHY CAN'T I HAVE BOTH?

7. Always question yourself whether if you're doing the "right" move.

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I don't tend to regret anything but when I do it's big time.

8. You read self help books because you think that's the right move.

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Surprisingly, a few are ok but then again maybe not.

9. You compare yourself to everyone and you can't help it.

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10. You look up "quarter life crisis symptoms" and are reading this article.

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Then again, I am not a doctor and I'm not diagnosing anything. If you're a college senior about to graduate then you're probably going through some of these thoughts. This article is a reminder that you're not alone! Everyone experiences this at least once in their life and these feelings will pass.

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