Two men were adrift in a lifeboat. While looking through the boat's provisions, one of the men found an old lamp. The sailor rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie come forth. This Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, the sailor cried out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" Immediately, the Genie clapped her hands and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. The quiet lapping of beer on the ship broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted. After a long moment, he spoke: "Nice going, asshole! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"
This joke got me thinking about what would happen if other more tangible objects were filled with beer. What would happen if an entire oil pipeline was filled with beer? The physics of filling a pipeline with beer and drinking that entire pipeline of beer: let’s talk about it.
Stretching for 2,147 miles, the Keystone Pipeline is a 36” diameter crude oil pipeline completed in June 2010, crossing the Canada border as it goes from Alberta to Illinois. The pipeline flows 591,000 barrels of crude oil per day to various refineries. The pipeline cost roughly $5.2 billion dollars to construct. The property tax alone on the pipeline is roughly $4 million dollars over two years.
The average Keystone Light contains 12-oz of standard American light lager. Every single can fulfill 123 calories, 5 grams of carbohydrates, and 0.7 grams of protein of your daily diet. One can of Keystone Light costs close to $0.56 retail.
These two grand feats of American ingenuity inspire greatness, Keystone Pipeline and Keystone Light! Back to the question: what if we pumped keystone into the keystone pipeline?
If the pipeline pumps 591,000 barrels of crude oil per day, it can also pump a whole lot of beer. Time for some quick calculations:
One barrel of oil = 42 fluid gallons
42 gallons = 5376 ounces
5376 ounces = 448 12 oz. cans of beer into one barrel of oil
Now, 591,000 barrels of crude oil means the keystone pipeline can pump 264,768,000 cans of keystone every single day. 264,768,000 cans of beer are equivalent to 8.8256 million 30 packs of the sweet nectar. 8.8256 million 30 packs at $16.99 per 30 pack is roughly $150 million dollars. Interestingly, 591,000 barrels of crude oil are only $30,093,720. This means we can make nearly a 400% profit increase in pumping beer instead of oil. Beer also happens to be 9 times as viscus as crude oil.
If we consumed all this beer, what would it be like health-wise? 265 million cans of beer contain 32.5 billion calories, 1.3 billion grams of carbohydrates, and 185 million grams of protein. In terms easier to comprehend, 32.5 billion calories are equivalent to 208 million tacos. 1.3 billion grams of carbs are equivalent to 59 million donuts (also 1.3 billion grams is roughly 2.2 million pounds). 185 million grams of protein are in 64 million slices of bacon. That is how much the keystone pipeline can produce in one day of pumping Keystone Light.
How fast would it take to drink all of this beer? The average time to drink a Keystone Light is 5-10 minutes. If one person tried to drink this much beer it would take 3,526 years. Ain’t nobody got that much time. It would take every single college student in the United States (74.6ish million students) 50 minutes to finish all the beer in the pipeline. If we are at a fraternity party, the average time for a beer bong is around 2.5 seconds per can of beer. 265 million cans of beer is 21 years in beer bong time. We would need 100 million frat boys drinking a 2 can beer bong to be able to finish the entire pipeline of beer in………(drum roll)…….. 6.625 seconds (time to call the alumni!).
Asking if we filled an entire crude oil pipeline with beer may seem like a stupid question, but it is not. It helps put something that effects our daily life on such a huge level into perspective. There are over 2.4 million miles of oil pipelines on our planet, that’s like 12 trips to the moon. Oil pipelines are such an integral part of our world economy and way of life. Pipelines are the unsung heroes of our lives. Next time you are filling your car up with gas or drinking a cold Keystone with the boys, think about some of these incredible facts if those two things switched places.
On President Trump's 4th day in office, he signed a presidential memorandum bringing back the long dead Keystone XL pipeline. This pipeline will allow another 830,000 barrels of crude oil every single day to the refineries in the US Gulf Coast Region. A lot of people do not want to see this pipeline built. The Keystone pipeline crosses over the Ogallala Aquifer. The Ogallala supplies eight states with drinking and irrigation water. The contamination of this aquifer from a possible oil spill would ravage the heath and agriculture of millions of people. Thankfully, the safety rate of oil pipelines is significantly higher than other means of transportation. Trans Canada, the company responsible for the pipeline, promised increase safety measures for the pipeline. Their arguments include the fact that the oil is already being brought into the states on trains, which are a statistical nightmare for environmental safety. Why not just get the pipe in the ground and start safely pumping more than a million barrels of oil every day? Why not just pump Keystone Light instead?