I am a pretender. I play pretend and act as though I am someone else. It is a bit childish, I know, but I can’t help myself. Pretending is a lifesaver. Pretending keeps my imagination running, growing, transforming into something more than it was before. It becomes more useful than it was before. Sometimes I pretend to be people. It usually varies on who I need to be that day. Most days it goes between two people. Some days it’s my mom. Strong willed, caring, funny, how could I not want to be like her? She’s got a way of keeping our lives together that I can only wish to do. Other days, it’s my dad and his energy. He never stops going, never stops thinking. He’s who I aim to be on my longer days. My parents are two people I always strive to be like, for my two biggest influences are the makers of my personality.

However, regardless of this fact, there is something that I have no choice over when it comes to pretending. It’s something I do every day. Everyday, I pretend to be someone confident. I live with fear. It takes over my first thoughts in the morning and helps me get to sleep at night. Don’t get me wrong. Fear does not rule my life, but it is definitely walking right next to me all throughout the day. Fear keeps me from doing something stupid. Fear keeps me safe.

Confidence meanwhile is quite the opposite. Confidence only shows up when I need it, and even then it may not be there. Confidence has a sort of recklessness that can come with it. Become too confident and there’s a high chance you’ll land in some sort of trouble. That’s what makes fear so important. Fear and confidence are the balance that we all need, but are also the balance we can’t achieve. The scales are never even with fear and confidence. Life changes constantly, and because of that the balance tips one way or the other.

In my case, I would say my balance is always leaning towards fear. I chose that safe route a long time ago, and I have forgotten my way back to a more confident road. Nonetheless, that doesn’t mean I don’t have my moments of extreme confidence that surprise myself. These are usually the rare days that I speak in class or speak up against something ridiculous. Speaking is truly my source of confidence. Words are not meant to be taken lightly from someone who rarely speaks at all, and I lost my voice a long time ago.

That being said, my writing is a different story. My writing is the one place where I don’t pretend. Every word I write is something I never knew how to say. It is the real level of confidence I have. My words are my everything, they define me. Even though I cannot find a way to say them all the time, it doesn’t mean they’re not there. Unfortunately for me I cannot go around writing everything I wish to say on a chalkboard and use it in place of my voice, but that’s okay. The voice I use is masked with confidence, and in reality, no one but us will ever really know the truth. However, I think sharing this with you is the most confident thing I could ever do.