Tonight, I didn't let you win. Tonight, I worked through the shaking and the strongest urge to run into the corner of that room and sit in a ball, grabbing my hair, crying and muttering. Tonight I kept dancing and moving and speaking. I know I'll pay later in a big way since I pushed you down into the depth of my center, the strongest place I have in me where I hold every feeling I've ever not wanted to feel.

My hands shook, but I kept them moving so no one could see. My shoulders hunched when I didn't consciously pull them back to stand straight. I should've called in sick. I'll pay for it soon.

I pushed down one of those panic attacks that everyone who has bad anxiety knows all too well. One of those where I wasn't fully consciously there because my mind knew it had to keep moving to keep this event going. It was one of those you have and know, if people saw you, they'd think you were meant to be in a mental institution. One of those where you collapse in on yourself, your knees so far in your chest you could probably feel your ribs if it were possible to focus on that piece of the attack, your hands in your hair pulling at whatever they can reach, the voices in your head saying so many things you can't seem to think for yourself in there so you mumble your responses out loud. Your face has tears, not of sadness, but of anger, confusion and frustration. Why you? There are plenty of people who cope with stress just fine. Why are you the one who gets stuck with these terrible, trembling attacks?

I almost had one of those today. I almost let it take me over to where there would be no return in front of so many people. But today, I won. You didn't take control of me, I was able to push you down. I know the consequences, but for right now I don't care. Normally, I'd have to stay in my room, hide away from people for the night. But today, I stayed out, I helped people, I didn't let you control my life.

I might not have done it in the safest way necessarily, but at least I know I can. I know, one day, you won't be a problem for me any more. I'll probably still have you, but at least I won't be trembling at every encounter with a human being. One day, I'll be able to tell someone I love them without needing them to say it back. One day, I'll be able to stand in front of a crowd and not black out with fear. One day, I'll be able to go out and not worry that everyone can see me and what I do. One day, you won't control my thoughts.

I'm already stronger, I defeated the enemies that you put in my head so many years ago that I thought they were normal. I was able to talk and laugh with people even though you told me to run. I will defeat you in the end. I've won this battle, and soon enough, I will win this war.