Justice Seymour and the Fear of Missing Out

By: Justice Seymour

I am writing this because I have a fear of missing out. What happened, you ask? Why am I writing this paper right now? Well, friend, it is because I am missing out right now. And I am freaking out. So here’s what happened:

So, in the caf (cafeteria for you noobs), I was sitting at a full table and my friends came in and sat around, at the same table. Then, a few strangers, of sorts, sat at the table. We still had more of our group filing in and there weren’t enough seats. So Ronald had the idea of moving to a new table so we can all sit together. As good of an idea that may be, it wasn’t without consequence. See, Brandon snatched the seat I was going for and then I tried to maneuver to find a different seat, but, alas, they were all taken. So, I decided to go back to the seat I was sitting at originally. I didn’t eat (as I sometimes do with caf food) and I wasn’t sitting with my friends. I waited for the seats to clear up a bit, but, when I walked over when they were finally cleared, everyone decided to go to Taco Bell. They didn’t straight tell me, though. See, Ronald lives in the hotel across the street from Taco Bell. So, if I didn’t go to Taco Bell, they would all probably go to Ronald’s room after. And, if they did that, I probabably wasn’t invited, because of an incident that happened yesterday. What did I do instead, you ask? I walked the farm road. At first, with music, but then, in dead silence. I SnapChatted Ronald a short video of me walking in isolation. As of this time, he has not read it. After the farm road, I went to my room and laid on the bed staring at the ceiling.

What the ceiling told me was that I had no friends. What were they doing? I had no idea! Obviously, they didn’t need me anymore. I then SnapChatted Ronald, again, of me sitting in my dark silent room. This, too, has yet to be seen by him. Damn that SnapChat and your ability to see whether people saw it or not. I just laid in my bed staring at the ceiling, thinking about wtf to do with my time. Could I watch Netflix? No, because that still isn’t close to as cool as what my friends are doing. I went over to my neighbors, Studs and Gustavo. They were playing 3 Sac Wack. Could I join in even though I suck at that game? No. It's not nearly as cool as what my “friends” were doing.

Out of desperation, I sent to the group chat my group uses to communicate and orchestrate group gatherings. I asked “Anyone up for pizza tonight?” My “friend” Brandon replied with the following: “We might go.” WTF DO YOU MEAN “WE”!? With self-deprecation in tow, I pitifully typed “Well, I wanna go if you do!” and Brandon then replied “I’ll let you know a little later if we go.”

I set my phone down and let it charge out of my laptop. I turned, plugged my headphones into my phone, and started listening to a song named "Kitchen Sink" by Twenty One Pilots. Now, don’t get me twisted, I am very selective of TøP. I just am. So lay off me! Point is, I decided I would play the instrument I know how to play best. Not the tuba or the accordion, no no, I’m talking about the KEYBOARD. Think of it as a word piano. I figured, instead of whining about missing out in your head, just write it down and hope for the best, So I think this is done now. I’m gonna print this out and give it to Ronald in hopes of making him feel guilty. Although, between you and me (and you too, Ronald), Ronald doesn’t normally feel guilty. But anyways, bye!! And, yes, I’m okay. No, this wasn’t (totally) mean-spirited.

The funniest thing about this paper isn’t to have some social commentary about the fear of missing out. I was just bored and lonely haha. But hey! If you, or a loved one, suffer from the fear of missing out, call 1(800) Get-Life. We are here to help you with your FOMO.