Living with something that damages you on the inside and is nearly invisible on the outside is a demon that I've been fighting with for the last six years. The worst part of it is there is no clear diagnosis. There is no explanation why I feel the way I do. Every. Single. Day. I've been to countless numbers of doctors who have blamed several different medical issues for the pain. If I were being honest with you, I would tell you that the pain is equivalent to what a drawer full of knives falling onto me would feel like. If I were also being honest, I would tell you that this, whatever this is, has impacted not only my physical health, but my mental and emotional health, interactions with my friends and family, my performance at work and school, and my overall motivation and hope that a doctor may come up with an answer. If I were lying, I would smile and tell you that I'm fine and not to worry about me.

There are days that I wake up and I physically can not leave my bed. I try to sit up, but the daggers inside me stop me. There are days that I pull myself up and start my day and half way through I break down. There are nights that I stay up until the sun shines, tossing and turning and hoping that I can get a few useful minutes of rest so I can tackle the next day. I have good days, too. There are days that I can wake up, go on beautiful adventures, get all of my work done, and by the end of the day still feel comfortable enough to fall asleep. Those good days are what keep me going. Knowing that even though today I'm sick and can't move, tomorrow might be a little bit better.

I wanted to reach out to everyone in my life and tell them that I'm sorry for not being able to be the best me possible. I feel guilty when I call in sick to work, again, for this "whatever." I'm stressed when I can't make it to class and I miss the lesson for the day and have to ask someone for help. I feel like I'm letting everyone down when I take on another responsibility that my body isn't letting me handle at the moment. I feel like my friends think that I'm just saying I don't feel good so I don't have to spend time with them. I feel like my family is just sick of the same story themselves and they don't believe it much anymore either. I need you all to know that I'm not OK right now. But, I also need you all to know that I will be.

I need everyone to know that I'm stronger than I look and this, whatever this is, won't get the best of me.

I'm fighting a mystery.

Please hang in there with me.