Everything seemed to happen so fast. If I kept things at the rate they were going I would be going down the road to suicide. I know that is harsh to hear but it is true for years I was going down the wrong path. Let me take you back a bit.
It started in high school, Junior year to be exact, I was 17. It should have been a great year; with prom, football games, and everything else high schoolers enjoy. Not me, I just wanted to be alone. Home life was a mess. I got to the point I would have been so depressed. I would put more effort into school, all night doing homework or studying since I wasn't sleeping. It finally got to the point I couldn't take the abuse and mental pain from being at home.
I decided physical pain would be better.
Soon it was an addiction to self-mutilation. Scarring up any part of me I could easily hide away. This went on for months until someone found out. It's like my secret was out that I NEVER wanted to be out. After that I was sent to treatment for the first time, I was only there for three weeks and hated it. Away from family, friends, and school. When I was finally out everyone thought I was better, but I wasn't. I still did good in school, but at home, I was under content watch dragging me into more of a dark depression.
Senior year, started off great. I actually loved my classes. This year where I told myself I would do anything in my power to do the best I can to make sure my grades were perfect. And in the beginning they were; I was nailing my grades. With “A's” and “B's,” I wouldn’t take any "Cs." To me, that was failing and not acceptable. So that’s what I did; I studied harder than ever. And I started seeing the difference in my grades; they were improving. This went on for months, and my grades were still on point.
But what wasn’t on point was my health. My health was going down the drain. I chose to deal with family problems in an unhealthy way again. I started to isolate myself from everyone again, and my anxiety was at an all-time high and panic attacks started to happen daily. I couldn’t take it anymore, and the only people I could talk to about it were four hours away. So whenever there was a break I went to Ohio. So Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Spring break I was in Ohio with my aunt and uncle.
But things were still not great, my health was going downhill, to where I started to not eat. This gave me more time to do my homework and keep up with my studies. So for months, I was restricting and for months I was in denial about my eating disorder. The whole time I kept thinking I was the one in charge. Not eating was all I thought about. I didn’t care about the fact that I didn’t have any friends. All I cared about was making it through another day without eating. I was hungry at first but after a while, I got used to it. And I liked having the extra time to study and the more I thought about it, well if I don’t need lunch, then maybe I don’t need breakfast or dinner either. And it kind of became a new project for me: to see how long I could go without eating any food. I didn’t want anyone to see me the way I see myself. So after a long time of being in denial. I got help. On February 5th after school, I packed my things and went to Ohio.
The next day, I had an orientation with New Beginnings Eating Disorder Center, and they told me I could start on Monday. So that’s what I did for the next six weeks. I went to treatment three days a week for 11 hours a week. I hated art therapy. So while I was doing that I did as much school work as I could. I got all ahead in my online classes, but I got behind in English and senior seminar.
After graduation, I packed my bags and moved to Ohio, with my aunt, uncle, and cousins. This is when I started attending Cleveland State University. At the time I was commuting back and forth from school and home. So since I was only going to classes twice a week, the rest of the week I was working at Kohls. My first semester on campus, to tell you the truth, I didn't do much. I didn't get involved, I kept to myself, and focused on school. Leaving that first semester with a 3.0 GPA.
The second semester came fast, and I was so excited to be back at CSU. This time I was packing my bags yet again, but this time, I was staying in a dorm.This is when, I told myself, I was going to get more involved and that is what I did.
I got the chance to join a fraternity on campus: Phi Sigma Pi Honors Fraternity. I took that chance and was inducted. I met so many new people I now get to call brothers and I am so happy I joined. Phi Sigma Pi has taken me out of my comfort zone. I made friends, I did fundraisers, I even got pied in the face. They are now like a giant family, that I love having around.
The second year of college came so fast and I thought I was ready to conquer that. Classes started ok I was getting good grades and I was working at the library which I loved, but something changed.
I started going to the gym more and then counting calories and weighing myself and lastly instead on going to the dining hall I would go to the gym for a few hours skipping meals. People started to see a weight loss and I loved it. A relapse started to form and it started to affect my schooling. I did end up getting on academic suspension, I was a wreck and everything was falling apart.
I ended up moving back to Michigan and took a semester off and found a job. I am back in school and doing very well last semester I made Deans List. I am happy at where I am now. I have gained so much confidence it's radiant. I have found when I am confident I feel sexy and when I feel sexy there is nothing that I can't do.