Houston.

Where Chamillionaire goes to avoid incarceration. That is, until he get caught reckless driving.

It’s also the place where he and many others are actually looking to avoid right about now due to this:

https://youtu.be/WLFCYdgtzUU

What you just saw is poor, unfortuante families piecing together what is remaining of their lives after Hurricane Harvey made landfall in Houston a few days ago. It’s impacted many along the southeastern Texas coast all the way up into portions of Louisiana, whose residents still have PTSD over the effects Hurricane Katrina had on that city around this timeframe back in 2005. According to CNN, the size of this storm was about 280 miles in size. To give some perspective, if the center of a storm were to be stationed right over where I am writing this piece right now, it would stretch as far south as Cincinnati, far west as Chicago, far east as Buffalo, and as far north as Petoskey.

Your TL;DR version: Harvey would simply engulf the entire states of Michigan and Ohio, and we would have the world’s largest outdoor swimming pool. Winter enthusiasts would not have to wait longer either for the largest ice rink in the World.

That size is nowhere near the size of some people’s churches, and more importantly and incidentally, those church owner’s hearts:

https://youtu.be/a7WB2TJ59vg

Joel Osteen, founder of the Lakewood megachurch and possible lovechild of Anthony Scaramucci and Tim Allen, received a metric shit-ton of complaints and backlash on Twitter and other public outlets for not opening up his church as a shelter of last resort for many Houstonians seeking refuge of rising waters and damage from debris that Hurricane Harvey was spreading amongst the greater Houston area.

Initally, he cancelled his services on Sunday, but was relatively slow to open the doors as a shelter. He told his followers that following Monday to lean on their faith with a tweet that read:

“Jesus promises us peace that passes understanding,” and “That’s peace when it doesn’t make sense.”

The only thing that makes less sense than opening up a building that could house thousands from flooded houses is Trump being president (goes without saying), and trying to train your cat to take a bath. Whiskers doesn’t like water, and neither do your followers, so open up the fucking doors!

Amid heightened backlash, he eventually gave in, and opened up the doors to his church. Look, that will not help your cause, Joel. We’re still mad at you for not opening them up earlier.

Perhaps, Joel Osteen thought Noah’s Ark would have saved the citizenry of Houston.

Now, this:

Michael Scott Performs CPR!