“Starting over can be the scariest thing in the entire world -- whether it’s leaving a lover, a school, a team, a friend or anything else that feels like a core part of our identity, but when your gut is telling you that something here isn’t right or feels unsafe, I really want you to listen and trust in that voice.” ― Jennifer Elisabeth, "Born Ready: Unleash Your Inner Dream Girl"
Do you ever feel like you’re making a huge mistake? Like something isn’t right and you don’t know what to do about it, so you just let it happen? It’s scary, isn’t it? One day you think you know what you want to do with your life and, suddenly, you realize that you have no idea what’s going on -- and you can’t really figure out how you got to that place.
Nine months ago, I graduated high school. For four years I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my future -- or at least I thought I did. My dream was to study Fashion Merchandising at the Fashion Institute of Technology in New York City. I patiently waited 1,460 days to escape my small town and leave behind the life I had. I was eager to be surrounded by people who shared my passions and I couldn’t wait to be a part of a fresh and inspiring world.
Once graduation came and went, I was so excited for the months ahead of me. From long beach days to cool summer nights spent with the people closest to me, I felt content. There was something so liberating about being 18 and having my whole life ahead of me. I felt like I could do anything. As the summer started to come to an end, people constantly asked me about college and if I was excited. Whenever it was brought up, I would quickly shut down the conversation. The thought of leaving home to go to a big city and study at a highly competitive school made me sick. I should’ve known then that something was wrong, but instead I brushed it off.
In August, I moved 60 miles away from home. Within the first two weeks, I realized I made a huge mistake. Fashion was something that I thought I loved, but it turned out to be something I hated. I no longer wanted the life that FIT and New York had to offer. I felt so rushed. The city was hectic and loud all the time. My life didn’t feel like my life anymore. There was no normalcy. My friends were worrying about what to wear to football games and which sorority to join while I was expected to thrust myself into the industry and begin a career. I realized that I never knew what I had growing up. I craved my small town and the peace I felt being lucky enough to live five minutes away from the ocean. I was now immersed in a world that I knew nothing about, and I felt so lost.
While I struggled through my first semester, I learned that I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do with my future, but I knew that going to FIT wasn’t a good place for me to grow and figure out what I did want. This was not something that ever happened to me. I was used to knowing what I wanted. I tend to have a habit of planning everything.
I could give you a rundown of what my day will be like 10 years from now and I could tell you every single detail about my future wedding -- at least, I used to be able to do that. For once, I didn’t have all the answers, and it was the only time in my life that I didn’t want to know the answers. I panicked at first. I never planned for this to happen and the last thing I thought I’d ever do was leave the school I worked so hard to get into. I felt ashamed and the thought of telling my friends and family that my new life wasn’t the right fit for me was overwhelmingly terrifying.I didn’t want to disappoint everyone, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I needed to make a change. I needed to forget everything I thought I knew. I needed to start over.
When I rang in the new year, I opened a new chapter in my life. I said goodbye to the city and fashion school, and I came home. In January I started classes at Monmouth University. I can honestly say that, no matter how rocky my first four months of college were, I’m happy to have gone through it. I’m now in a place where I have time and options for my future. My life feels like it’s mine again and I find comfort in knowing that I’m exactly where I’m meant to be. It’s OK not to have all the answers all the time, and more importantly, it's OK to make mistakes. The only way to figure out what you want is to figure out everything that you don’t want.You might be pleasantly surprised with what you end up with. I think sometimes the best things in life are the things we don’t see coming, the choices we don’t know we have and the places we don’t know we need.