Uh. It's happening, again.
It hurts, and you are breaking. Your feet feel numb, your arms, your thoughts...your heart. It all feels so dizzying and indelible and beyond pathetic.
But you don't let yourself show it. You laugh so hard with all your friends. You don't want to show them just how bad it hurts. You smile at every passerby who evokes it. You sound so good on the phone. You sound so good to yourself, a little part of you even wonders if maybe you're over the ache.
But when you are alone, it hits. You feel so lonely. And so hurt. You don't understand. You overthink everything. You wonder how everything could have been different. You think all about the words you said — the last words, the first words, everything — and nothing seems right anymore. You hate yourself for it.
And you don't let yourself feel this broken. You don't want to admit it. You don't want to face it. You hate that you can't handle this.
I know. I do the same thing.
But...it's okay to break. It's okay to feel so broken that no one would ever know what you used to be. It's okay to cry and feel like absolute shit.
It's okay. Because when you let yourself be vulnerable, when you admit that you are at your weakest...when you are honest with yourself and surrender to the pain, it will finally burst through the gates and swallow you. It will hurt again.
But then something magical happens.
You grow.
All this rain and all this thunder make a fucking fabulous rainbow. Makes a garden out of your soul. Makes you look up and appreciate the sun all the more. You realize what it is that keeps you strong. You realize the boat you are in. You realize the people who are still there. You never would have known until you were tested like this.
So, it's okay to break. Because this world does not give us anything we can't handle. We just have to let ourselves handle it.