Chronic illness has left me in more physical pain than I ever expected myself to be able to get through. Mental illness has done the same with my heart and my mind. Both of them combined are a nasty force that knocks you down to your knees and leaves you breathless. It's hard enough to even get up on some normal days, but facing a day that's all about you, where you're supposed to be happy and excited and energetic about the celebration of another year, can feel almost impossible.
Maybe you're looking around and seeing all the other something-year-olds that are doing things you want to do but can't. Maybe you feel so much older in soul than you are in body, and you feel like your pain has taken away years of your life. It's hard to celebrate the year to come when you don't know what's coming. It's hard to look forward to the future when you don't know what it will hold. It's hard to be excited about another year when you're struggling to make it through today.
My 18th birthday was really, really hard. There were moments last year when I didn't think I'd make it to another birthday and times I didn't feel I wanted to. With this fall season and my 19th birthday fast-approaching, flashbacks, memories, and triggers are taking me back to last year and the place I was in, and with them have come hurt and dread and fear worse than any other year pre-birthday.
I'm learning, though, that forcing happiness is not the answer. Believe me, I've tried. But it just makes it all worse. When you try to force yourself to be happy, you may convince others, but you'll never convince yourself. You'll end up more tired from the facade and feeling more guilty and ashamed because you can't even truly pretend.
Here's the thing:
It's okay to try to smile, but it's also okay to be sad.
It's your day. You don't have to feel happy.
So, whether your birthday is next week or next month or next year, please remember it's okay to feel sad. It's okay if you don't feel like life is worth celebrating. But let me tell you something else to remember. You are worth celebrating. You are still here, and even if you feel like all you're doing is fighting to make it though one day or one minute or one breath, you are learning the art of surviving, and the beauty of art is in the eye of the beholder. So, let yourself see your beauty. You are alive. You still have a purpose. There can be joy ahead. There is always hope.
Keep fighting.
And when your day does come... from the bottom of my heart to yours, happy birthday. I know it's hard. I know you might not be happy. But you've made it this far, and that is absolutely worth celebrating. I'm so proud of you.