To the people who say what I feel during a panic attack is normal, it doesn't feel that way to me.

As someone who has found that living with panic attacks is a normal occurrence, I am tired of people telling me that the wide mix of emotions is normal because for me it's not. Yes, I have had a ton of panic attacks, I know what the signs and symptoms are for me, and I know what to do when I get one. But, that doesn't make any of my thought patterns, and feelings feel normal.

I can never know how bad one is going to be. I will never know what I will say or do. I don't know if I will remember the things my therapist has told me. I don't know if my friends will know where I keep my medication when I can't remember where it is. I don't know if I will be alone in my room, in my car, or with friends and family. I can never know what will cause it. Hell, sometimes I literally wake up in the middle of the night shaking for no reason. I've been getting ready for class and all of a sudden I feel one coming on and have to rush to stop it so I can go to class.

I don't want my anxiety to hinder me, I don't want it to affect my grades. But, I feel like it is. The fear of having one affects my motivation levels. The fear of having one affects how I live my days. I am even too scared to spend more than 2 weeks away from family members. This causes me to leave and go home, or go visit family a lot more than my friends. Some of them understand it because they understand what I am going through, and some just get upset and take me leaving personally. They think my panic attacks are just something that happens, and they don't realize how deeply they affect me.

My panic attacks are normal to me, but the way I live my life, and the way I feel during them isn't. For me when I'm having a panic attack I always say "I need to get out of here". By this I mean my mind is racing, I'm sweaty, I can't eat, and I just want to get out of these feelings. And in all honesty, I don't know how to handle these feelings. I have talked to therapists, friends, and family, yet in my mind, nothing seems to be fixing my problem.

I get told that my panic attacks are "getting better" but I don't feel that way. I don't see them as better, or easier or less traumatic because to me they still happen and I don't like that.