When a relationship has ended, and either you or your friends are rehashing it and wondering what to do next, what do you say? Do you tell your friend to get back out there, that there are plenty of fish in the sea? Or do you think to yourself that you need to be alone for a while, or, in the words of Lorelei Gilmore, alone to wallow?
With my friends, I’ve always steered towards the latter.
I don’t know what it is, but my friends are really good at long-term relationships. Really good as in their relationships typically last over six months, solidifying the status as “girlfriend” or “boyfriend.” This makes it difficult, though, when they break up with their significant other and don’t know what to do with themselves.
“Let yourself be alone for a while!” I always told them. “You need to find out who you are without them, defined according to your own terms.”
I still think that’s true, by the way. My friends have changed during their relationships, not necessarily in a good or bad way, but they have. It’s inevitable. So, when that relationship ends, who are they left with? Who is this person that has, really, never been single before?
But lately, I’ve been wondering if it is necessary to be alone after a relationship ends.
An example. Last year, a good friend of mine ended a long-term relationship with their significant other and, after only a few weeks, was back out dating. They were meeting people in class, at parties, and really just having fun with it. The dates were something fun to do and rarely begot more dates with the same person. In the eyes of my friend, these dates were cathartic.
At first, I didn’t agree. I mean, what about the grieving period? What about finding out about what you like to do without your boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s input? What about time with friends? My friend insisted that these things were being achieved, just in a different way.
Cue another friend ending their long-term relationship and suddenly finding themselves alone. I gave my opinion and this friend actually followed it. They turned down offers to go out, they politely made conversation with strangers, but when someone would ask them, “Hey, do you want to study together?” or “Let’s grab coffee sometime!” they said no.
This friend insisted that they weren’t sadder than they would be if they jumped back into the dating world. In fact, they insisted that they were spending more time with friends and enjoyed being by themselves. They did the things they could’ve done with another person, only alone, to see if they really liked it.
In other words, they found out who they were by being alone, just as how my other friend insisted that not being alone had helped them get to know themselves.
So, what is the moral of the story? Well, as is almost always the case, people are different and need different things. Rarely will one piece of advice work for everyone.
As for me, I’ll just be the kind friend who listens intently and passes on this article if any advice is requested about what to do.