If you’re anything like me, making friends is never a simple task. And believe me, even after 19 years, I am still no expert. I am incredibly introverted and suffer from social anxiety which can make it really difficult to talk to people I don’t know.

I don’t have all the kinks figured out, but I’ve come up with something a “system” to assist in making friends. It is not fool-proof and I still have trouble doing some of these things, but they are the tips I find most helpful when the advice to “just say hi to someone” seems like the most ridiculous concept you’ve ever heard.

1. Be honest

I cannot tell you how many times I have said “I’m trying to think of something to say, sorry I’m just really socially awkward” when talking to someone for the first time. I’ve found that it really helps to lighten up a conversation with some honesty. You don’t need to get deep and tell them that your introversion stems from some childhood trauma, but just try to relax some of the tension by opening up. I usually get a response of relief with the other person saying something like “oh my gosh I’m the same way, don’t worry.”

2. Talk to your cashiers

This is a technique I learned from my therapist. I’m not saying you need to go become best friends with all the employees at your local grocery store, but engaging in small talk with cashiers is a great way to learn how to immerse yourself in casual conversation. If you’re at Starbucks, try asking your barista about something on the menu or what they recommend. It’s something small, but it can help you feel more comfortable with strangers. And also, having been on the other side, it can really make your cashier’s day to simply give a compliment or ask how their day is going.

3. Listen

One of the strongest skills us introverts have is our ability to listen. This is pretty useful, because it’s a skill most other people lack. What I’ve found is a lot of people love to talk about themselves, but there aren’t many people who really want to listen. So be those ears for those people who love to talk, show an interest in what they have to say and they will be grateful to have someone who actually seems receptive.

4. Put the phone away

This one is definitely the toughest, at least for me. I know any time I’m in an uncomfortable situation, I immediately whip out my phone like I suddenly have 400 very important emails to reply to (when in reality I get about two emails a day and they’re both spam). As great as phones are for passing time in boring or awkward situations, they can be damaging and isolating. Learn to stop using it as a crutch and try engaging with the real humans around you once in a while.

5. Be open-minded

Most of the anxiety I feel when talking to someone new comes from me thinking about all the terrible ways it could go wrong. What if they think I’m weird? What if I can’t think of anything to say? What if they ignore me? In these situations, I like to think of the phrase “assume positive intent.” The truth is that most of the time, if you go up and introduce yourself to someone, they aren’t going to tell you to f*ck off. Assume that people will be receptive to you if you try to open up to them. If they aren’t, then they’re sh*tty people who didn’t deserve to be your friend anyway.

6. Ask questions

Questions are sometimes the easiest way to segue into conversation. You can ask something simple, like where someone got their shirt from, or more leading questions like if they know any good movies coming out or if they have any good music recommendations. Even if you aren’t totally interested in their answer, asking a good question can open up the conversation and lead to common topics of interest.

7. Look for the other introverts

We can spot our kind from a mile away. There are a lot of people like us and we are not alone, so look for the other people who seem to be in the same boat as you. It might be awkward at first – we are quite an awkward bunch – but try utilizing some of the other tips and in the end you will both be incredibly grateful.

8. Get suggestions

Ask your current friends if they have any suggestions for people you can meet up with. My biggest problem when it comes to friends is that I don't have a lot of them, and our schedules always conflict each other. This means I usually don’t hang out with people much more than once a week, if that. You don’t need to find new best friends, but finding people you can call up to hang out with for a little while a few times a week can help make the days without your besties a little less lonely.

9. Join group settings

Okay, hear me out. I don’t necessarily mean getting involved in clubs and organizations around school – the advice all college-age introverts are absolutely sick of hearing. Just try exploring all the opportunities around you that immerse you in a group setting that might not immediately think of. Some great examples include volunteering or joining your school’s Odyssey network and other online communities. These things can be great ways to get to know new people with similar interests as you.

10. Don’t forget the most important friend – you

Friends are great and it’s important to have people you can talk to and rely on, but don’t feel pressured to become friends with absolutely everyone around you. Take the time for yourself that you need and understand that it’s a skill to know how to enjoy time alone. Use your judgement when choosing who to allow into your life, and know you are worthy of strong and healthy friendships and you shouldn’t allow negative people in just for the sake of having more friends.